Part 5

I decided to write my mother a letter one day saying everything that was on my mind, well most of it. I told her how hurtful it was that John was so abusive and that she didn't seem to do anything about it, how betrayed I felt. I also told her that I wanted to see my biological father because it felt like I had a void in my life without knowing him. She wasn't very responsive about the letter but told me that she would speak to John and hopefully the abuse would stop - this didn't seem to be the effort I was looking for from her. She also said that I was old enough to make my own decisions and if I wanted to meet my father I could. I decided that when I went back to Canada for the summer I would contact my biological father and hopefully get to meet with him, although he had abandoned me it seemed like I still wanted him in my life, I needed a father figure and John just wasn't cutting it.
I finally found the courage to call my biological father and to my surprise he had divorced his wife and was now married to someone else, that also had a child. His ex-wife told me that it didn';t work out between them because he just wasn't 'father material', really? How surprising? Didn't she think that when he abandoned his own flesh and blood? I guess she had to learn the hard way. I tried to call him on the number she gave me but I had no luck for 2 days. I finally tried on the 3rd day and got through, I was speechless, the silence was deafening. After I mustered up the courage to say hello, we decided to meet for dinner for the first time in 11 years. When we got to the restaurant I saw him and all I could think was 'He really looks like Al from Home Improvement' lol. I was so excited to think that I would finally have the father I longed for. I walked over to him and part of me wanted to hug him but I didn't, I just shook his hand. After dinner we went to his apartment to look at pictures of him and his new family, then he pulled out a picture of me when I was 2 years old, the only picture he had. Even though he was my father he seemed like a stranger, but I still had feelings of loving him, its amazing that after all the years of feeling abandoned, I still loved him. He drove me home and when we said goodbye I leaned over and hugged him and then I got out of the car. I didn't speak to him for another 2 years, I thought we had bonded but it was obviously one-sided.

Around the age of 16 years old, the nightmares started - I had nightmares before but they seemed worse now. I would have them about what Mark had done to me, I had them of times when I would get beaten from John and I would have ones where I would tell John that I loved him and he was the best father and then he would look at me and say "I don't love you, you're not my daughter" - this one in particular was the worst emotionally, I would wake up sobbing, I felt so hurt.

I recently found a diary that I wrote when I was about 15 -16 years old, I am going to share a part with you because it really brought back memories of how low my self-esteem was as a teenager because of the way John had treated me and from the memories that haunted me from Mark.

March 3, 1997: (I took this from a Seventeen magazine and had to fill in the blanks)

I have 'nice' hair.
In a bathing suit I look 'fat.
Before I fix my hair in the morning, I look 'awful'.
Whenever I try on clothes I feel 'fat'.
In pictures I usually look 'ugly'.
Whenever I am around boys I feel 'ugly'.
Most of my childhood memories are 'horrible'.
My parents are 'mean'.
When I am with my family I feel 'scared'.
Describe yourself in one word - ugly.

It really brings such strong emotions when I read this because I was always a very pretty girl and probably weighed 95lbs at 16 years old.