So as the time went on Nick grew more abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually.
I remember lying in bed at times wondering why I was being punished? How could I escape this life I was in, I was so scared to leave because he had threatened to kill me if I left and he would make my family's life miserable.
Theres no feeling worse then feeling like you are stuck in a life that is only going to get worse, or possibly end. Do you know how it feels to be totally, utterly inlove with someone and fear them at the same time? To feel like you always want to be with them but to also be scared that at any moment they could snap or turn on you? To be forced to have sex with someone you love even if you are not in the mood, sad or upset? To be having sex with someone while you sob tears and have actual physical pain from being so tense and having this forced on you? To have someone you love disrespect your family and you feel like you can't stop them? I remember times when he would tell me he was going out with his friends and I would beg him to stay with me because I didn't want to be alone and he would tell me to stay in the basement and not come up until he got home. I remember one particular instance when we were sitting on a bench on the street talking and his friend drove by and asked him to go to a club with him - Nick agreed and jumped in the car and left, he left me sitting there!
I think he had an inclination that he was pushing me to the brink of leaving so he convinced me to have joint bank accounts where my pay went in, so basically I had no money to myself to leave if I really wanted to. At the time I would smoke cigarettes which (some may not understamd) but helped me cope when I just needed time to myself I would go outside and have a cig. He would take those from me as a form of controlling me. He would take my bank card when I wasn't looking and hide it.
In the Winter of the year I turned 20, I dislocated my knee and was taken to emergency. I was given crutches and sent home to heal and would see an orthopedic surgeon in the next few weeks. Well the next day Nick and I were driving and we got in to an argument - after him screaming and me trying to calm him down, he pulled over the car and told me to get out - in the cold, in the snow and with crutches and I walked home - normally without injured knees probably a 35 minute walk. Just one of the many things he did that seemed so cruel coming from someone you love.
I know many people like to blame the woman for staying with an abuser - but if you are married/invlolved and you love your significant other - just imagine having to leave them. When you feel that you are inlove you think that you could never love anyone else.
Also, as any woman who has been abused can tell you - abusers are very manipulative and can convince you that they will change, that its the last time etc etc etc AND you belive it. Not to mention the fact that he took all my money and my family lived hours away. I was too ashamed to tell friends so I felt stuck, I felt like this was The Hand I was Dealt and I had to live with it.
I do not think that I am to blame for staying and I totally understand how other women stay, its like Stockholm sydrome - you love the person who abuses you or captures you and you simply are scared to leave or a part of you doesn't want to leave. He would tell me that I was fat (please bear in mind I weighed about 110lbs) and ugly, and no one would love me like he did - I could list the things he said to convince me but its all the same. It is human nature to try and forgive people, thats what I did each time he hurt me. I was scared to leave and end it, I was young and I didnt know where to go or who to turn to. Some people might think that these are all excuses for staying but I truly believed that I could not leave.
I was always an avid baker - since I was a kid, I loved it. So the following Halloween I baked about 50 cupcakes for our co-workers (Nick and I worked together - not sure if I mentioned that) and I thought it was a nice gesture and a reason to bake. Nick watched me bake them the night before the 'incident' and he even ate a few - so did I! The morning of Halloween we got ready for work as normal, everything seemed fine so I got the cupcakes on to a tray, put my boots and coat on and headed to the car. Suddenly Nick came out and asked 'Why exactly did you bake those cupcakes? Was it for all the guys at work? Only a whore would do that'. I looked at him and told him ofcourse that was not the reason and I asked him what was wrong, why had he changed all of a sudden. He walked right over to me and threw the tray of cupcakes on the driveway. His mom had heard the commotion and she was standing at the front door. I managed to jump in to the car and I tried to lock the door but he got a hold of my arm and he tore the sleeve right off - the sleeve actually detached from the coat as he dragged me on to the lawn. He started to kick me and call me a whore, slut, etc. There were neighbours standing at their dorrs watching and no one did anything. His mother also stood and watched and did nothing. I ended up getting up while he turned to his mother and spoke in Farsi, and I ran in to the basement. He came running after me and his mother followed him. I honestly just remember being thrown from wall to wall - each time feeling my head smash on the wall. I fell to the ground finally because his mother was tugging on his arm telling him that was enough - very calmly in their language, Farsi. He went upstairs with her and I just knew I had to get out, but I didn't know where to go. I grabbed my wallet and cell phone and I ran out the door and stood at the bus stop - it was freezing out, I had no coat as he just destroyed mine and it was snowing, bad. The bus came fairly quickly and I got on it and took it downtown and as I was on the bus I was trying to think of who I could call. I decided to go to a store downtown and purchase a cheap coat, I only had about $20 cash and Nick had already taken my bank card out of my wallet - go figure. So I purchased a cheap coat - not very warm and I decided to call my aunt who lived and worked downtown. I couldn't get a single word out because I was crying so hard - as soon as she answered I couldnt help but cry. I eventually told her I needed to see her and I met her at her workplace. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her house key and meet her at her house. I waited for her and all I could do was cry. But interestingly enough - I was thinking of Nick and wondering if he was worrying where I was, had he missed work, was he late for work? Although he had put me through this - I still thought of him first. I went in to my aunts bathroom and looked in the mirror and wiped my mascara off my face and as I lifted my arm I noticed a huge bruise on my arm, so I searched the rest of my body and I had very large bruises on my arm, torso and legs. Although Nick had been abusive previously there never was a mark left, this time was different. My aunt insisted on taking pictures for future referance. My cousin was only 2 at the time and really wanted to go out trick - or -treating so we took him, I couldn't help but have a few melt downs while we were out and I remember him looking up at me and saying 'Why you so sad?'.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Post 9 - Long awaited I know....
Well I have been struggling with blogging because it all started to get to me but I figured I have people that want to read more so here it goes.
Nick and I fell inlove very hard and very fast. He seemed like everything in a man I could ever have wanted. He was good looking, came from a good family I thought, he had a steady job, nice car, had a college degree, and he treated me like a princess and seemed to hold me up on a pedestal. I decided to move closer to him which meant moving in with my mom which was hard for me since I had left her house awhile back and felt a sense of independance but I wanted to be closer to Nick. Every time I had to get on the bus and leave him broke my heart and his. So I made the move and moved back in to my moms house, it seemed to go ok for awhile. Nick and I spent a lot of time together, we were inseperable. After being together for about 3 months he asked me to marry him - crazy huh?? Ya but it felt right, I was young and naive but I thought I had met my soulmate so why wouldn't I get married right?? Who cares if I was 19! Well when I told my mom she cried - she said she didn't want me to make the same mistake she did by getting married young and having a child young. His mother on the other hand freaked out that he proposed to me? Understandably I guess - her son had only known me for 3 months? But instead of taking her anguish out on his - she told me I had forced him and that I only wanted the ring (it was 1 carat - nothing extravagant!) so I proved her wrong. I went to the jewellers and returned it and got a ring that was barely 1/4 carat and showed it to her and all of a sudden she was fine with us being engaged. I should have known then that there would be issues in the future. She automatically started telling me that it would be best that I converted to Islamic faith. Now being a devoute (SP?) Catholic I wasn't about to change my religion but I did decide to try and adapt more of their Islamic culture - I started to learn the language, cook the food and learn some of their traditions. This made his mother happier but not quite happy, she still was convinced that I would become Muslim before the wedding - she was very wrong, this was never my intention.
Things started to turn a dark corner about 6 months in to our relationship. I still lived with my mom and he started to have fights with his parents because they didnt approve of me - the truth came out. I came from a 'broken home' (my parents being divorced), I was not good enough because I hadnt gone to college and since I was caucasian - to them I had no culture or upbringing?? Ok this is just wrong, I knew that so I expressed to Nick that I didnt agree with these statements, I was a good person no matter what faith I was or what culture I was brought up in. This started to build tension between us and he started to argue with his family. They eventually decided that I was no longer allowed in their home and until he left me he was no longer allowed in their home. So he stayed at my moms house with me but this didnt last very long, he started to ask me to steal money from my mother, use her bank card while she was asleep etc. Well my mother figured this out and kicked him out. So we were back to square one again - me living with my mom and him living at his parents. After a few months his parents decided that since he was going to stay engaged to me they would accept me in their family (but not civilly). They invited Nick and I to live in their basement which was finished and we were to get married asap since we were living together. We moved in to their basement and started to discuss marriage etc. After about 2 months things grew very bad, very fast.
After about 2 months living together I felt very sick, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't stand up straight so Nick took me to the ER, after some tests the doctor came in with the results, I was pregnant. I broke down - what did I know at 19 about being a mother? I didn't have a career - I had a part-time job, neither of us were financially stable and Nick was starting to become very possessive and jealous. I called my mother from the ER at about 10pm and told her the news - her response was "you're pregnant? Ok well I'm sleeping now, we will talk tomorrow and she hung up". No support from her at all! I was so scared and Nick was also scared. We didn't tell his parents I was pregnant because we didn't know what we were going to do. Well Nick thought he knew - I was going to get an abortion, thats what he assumed right away. This sent red flags up for me, he didn't even discuss the option of me keeping it at all but said it was up to me although he pressured me otherwise. I saw the clinic regarding abortions, I didn't want to put the baby up for adoption since I couldn't live with knowing that I had a child out there somewhere my entire life. Part of me wanted this baby so bad, I never believed in abortion, I thought it was the cowards way out. We decided to tell Nicks Aunt who was very nice to us and she told me that either way she would support us with our decision and she wouldnt tell his parents.
It took me 2 months to finally decide to go ahead with the abortion. I couldnt make the decision, I didn't want to do it but in that 2 months Nick had started becoming verbally abusive and started to grab my arm roughly if I (as he would say) talk back. He had started to become jealous, possessive, and mean. If we were driving and I looked out the window - he said I was staring at other men. Little things like this made me think that I couldn't bring a baby in to this life, it wouldn't be good for them, but I thought he could change so I stayed with him and decided to go ahead with the abortion.
Nick drove me to the clinic in the morning and I was petrified, I was so torn and felt so guilty but something in my heart told me it was the right thing to do and I made a promise to myself that if I did this, I would never do it again even if I got pregnant again right away. I went in to the clinic on my own and sat in the waiting room and listened as women explained that they had been there many times, 1 lady said this was her 5th abortion, I was disgusted, I couldn't beleive that she could live with herself after using this as a form of birth control. I got called in to the room and was asked to undress and lie down on the table. As I lay on the table and looked at all the machines, I felt an immense sadness come over me, how could I have gotten myself in to this mess? The lady explained the procedure and started to begin - the pain was excruciating but I thought it was my punishment for doing this to my unborn child. I screamed from the pain, crying and asking them to stop but they wouldn't - as nice as the nurse was I still felt she was cruel for doing this. How many babies did she murder every day? I know its ultimately the womens choice but I felt like she was advocating it, making it ok. After the procedure was complete they wheeled me in to a rest area and I waited for about an hour and I was told I could leave, Nick was waiting outside. I went home and rested and asked Nick to take me for a drive, I needed fresh air. Well it was night and we drove to the beahc where we went often to unwind and talk. As we parked he leaned over and started to kiss me, then his hands went down south and he started to try and have sex with me! I couldn't beleive it, I told him I was in pain but he told me it would be ok and that I 'owed' this to him, so we had sex. It was the most painful thing I had experienced, I cried the entire time and he didn't seem to be bothered by me crying. I felt so hurt that he made me do this and I immediately felt like he had violated me. I didn't talk to him the entire drive home. When we got to his house his mother was sitting at the dining room table and told us to come and sit down with her. We sat down and she told us that his Aunt had told her that we were going for an abortion today and she right away told me that it was my fault that I had had sex before marriage and that I was being punished! Great to hear after having an abortion then being forced to have sex right after? I should have know at that moment that I needed to get out of that family but I didn't, I stayed for 3 more years.
As the months went on Nick became more abusive verbally and physically. The first time he hit me was in his car. We got in to an argument about his parents not approving of me and he slapped me across my face and in defense I screamed at him which enraged him even more and he got out of the car and I jumped in the backseat to get away from him but he opened the door and started punching me, over and over again but never left a bruise. He told me I was white trash, a whore and my family were all whores and fags, it was so awful the things he said. I told him once he stopped hitting me that I was going to leave him, he then took my passport out of my purse and ripped the pages out, he took my license and snapped it in half along with my social insurance card - his way I guess of making me stay. He then took my shoes off as I kicked and screamed and kicked me out of the car and told me to walk home which I did in bare feet. When I got home, he was telling his parents how much of a whore I was, I don't know where he got that since I had and always was faithful to him. His mother told me it was my fault that I had 'talked back' and I deserved everything I got. I went in to our room and cried, I was too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family and I just cried myself to sleep. The next morning Nick came in and started to appologize, telling me he was just under so much stress from his parents that he snapped. He promised he would never do that again and understood if I wanted to leave but if I didn he didn't think he would be able to live without me. Of course, the naive 20 year old I was I stayed, I figured he would change, oh boy was I wrong.
Nick and I fell inlove very hard and very fast. He seemed like everything in a man I could ever have wanted. He was good looking, came from a good family I thought, he had a steady job, nice car, had a college degree, and he treated me like a princess and seemed to hold me up on a pedestal. I decided to move closer to him which meant moving in with my mom which was hard for me since I had left her house awhile back and felt a sense of independance but I wanted to be closer to Nick. Every time I had to get on the bus and leave him broke my heart and his. So I made the move and moved back in to my moms house, it seemed to go ok for awhile. Nick and I spent a lot of time together, we were inseperable. After being together for about 3 months he asked me to marry him - crazy huh?? Ya but it felt right, I was young and naive but I thought I had met my soulmate so why wouldn't I get married right?? Who cares if I was 19! Well when I told my mom she cried - she said she didn't want me to make the same mistake she did by getting married young and having a child young. His mother on the other hand freaked out that he proposed to me? Understandably I guess - her son had only known me for 3 months? But instead of taking her anguish out on his - she told me I had forced him and that I only wanted the ring (it was 1 carat - nothing extravagant!) so I proved her wrong. I went to the jewellers and returned it and got a ring that was barely 1/4 carat and showed it to her and all of a sudden she was fine with us being engaged. I should have known then that there would be issues in the future. She automatically started telling me that it would be best that I converted to Islamic faith. Now being a devoute (SP?) Catholic I wasn't about to change my religion but I did decide to try and adapt more of their Islamic culture - I started to learn the language, cook the food and learn some of their traditions. This made his mother happier but not quite happy, she still was convinced that I would become Muslim before the wedding - she was very wrong, this was never my intention.
Things started to turn a dark corner about 6 months in to our relationship. I still lived with my mom and he started to have fights with his parents because they didnt approve of me - the truth came out. I came from a 'broken home' (my parents being divorced), I was not good enough because I hadnt gone to college and since I was caucasian - to them I had no culture or upbringing?? Ok this is just wrong, I knew that so I expressed to Nick that I didnt agree with these statements, I was a good person no matter what faith I was or what culture I was brought up in. This started to build tension between us and he started to argue with his family. They eventually decided that I was no longer allowed in their home and until he left me he was no longer allowed in their home. So he stayed at my moms house with me but this didnt last very long, he started to ask me to steal money from my mother, use her bank card while she was asleep etc. Well my mother figured this out and kicked him out. So we were back to square one again - me living with my mom and him living at his parents. After a few months his parents decided that since he was going to stay engaged to me they would accept me in their family (but not civilly). They invited Nick and I to live in their basement which was finished and we were to get married asap since we were living together. We moved in to their basement and started to discuss marriage etc. After about 2 months things grew very bad, very fast.
After about 2 months living together I felt very sick, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't stand up straight so Nick took me to the ER, after some tests the doctor came in with the results, I was pregnant. I broke down - what did I know at 19 about being a mother? I didn't have a career - I had a part-time job, neither of us were financially stable and Nick was starting to become very possessive and jealous. I called my mother from the ER at about 10pm and told her the news - her response was "you're pregnant? Ok well I'm sleeping now, we will talk tomorrow and she hung up". No support from her at all! I was so scared and Nick was also scared. We didn't tell his parents I was pregnant because we didn't know what we were going to do. Well Nick thought he knew - I was going to get an abortion, thats what he assumed right away. This sent red flags up for me, he didn't even discuss the option of me keeping it at all but said it was up to me although he pressured me otherwise. I saw the clinic regarding abortions, I didn't want to put the baby up for adoption since I couldn't live with knowing that I had a child out there somewhere my entire life. Part of me wanted this baby so bad, I never believed in abortion, I thought it was the cowards way out. We decided to tell Nicks Aunt who was very nice to us and she told me that either way she would support us with our decision and she wouldnt tell his parents.
It took me 2 months to finally decide to go ahead with the abortion. I couldnt make the decision, I didn't want to do it but in that 2 months Nick had started becoming verbally abusive and started to grab my arm roughly if I (as he would say) talk back. He had started to become jealous, possessive, and mean. If we were driving and I looked out the window - he said I was staring at other men. Little things like this made me think that I couldn't bring a baby in to this life, it wouldn't be good for them, but I thought he could change so I stayed with him and decided to go ahead with the abortion.
Nick drove me to the clinic in the morning and I was petrified, I was so torn and felt so guilty but something in my heart told me it was the right thing to do and I made a promise to myself that if I did this, I would never do it again even if I got pregnant again right away. I went in to the clinic on my own and sat in the waiting room and listened as women explained that they had been there many times, 1 lady said this was her 5th abortion, I was disgusted, I couldn't beleive that she could live with herself after using this as a form of birth control. I got called in to the room and was asked to undress and lie down on the table. As I lay on the table and looked at all the machines, I felt an immense sadness come over me, how could I have gotten myself in to this mess? The lady explained the procedure and started to begin - the pain was excruciating but I thought it was my punishment for doing this to my unborn child. I screamed from the pain, crying and asking them to stop but they wouldn't - as nice as the nurse was I still felt she was cruel for doing this. How many babies did she murder every day? I know its ultimately the womens choice but I felt like she was advocating it, making it ok. After the procedure was complete they wheeled me in to a rest area and I waited for about an hour and I was told I could leave, Nick was waiting outside. I went home and rested and asked Nick to take me for a drive, I needed fresh air. Well it was night and we drove to the beahc where we went often to unwind and talk. As we parked he leaned over and started to kiss me, then his hands went down south and he started to try and have sex with me! I couldn't beleive it, I told him I was in pain but he told me it would be ok and that I 'owed' this to him, so we had sex. It was the most painful thing I had experienced, I cried the entire time and he didn't seem to be bothered by me crying. I felt so hurt that he made me do this and I immediately felt like he had violated me. I didn't talk to him the entire drive home. When we got to his house his mother was sitting at the dining room table and told us to come and sit down with her. We sat down and she told us that his Aunt had told her that we were going for an abortion today and she right away told me that it was my fault that I had had sex before marriage and that I was being punished! Great to hear after having an abortion then being forced to have sex right after? I should have know at that moment that I needed to get out of that family but I didn't, I stayed for 3 more years.
As the months went on Nick became more abusive verbally and physically. The first time he hit me was in his car. We got in to an argument about his parents not approving of me and he slapped me across my face and in defense I screamed at him which enraged him even more and he got out of the car and I jumped in the backseat to get away from him but he opened the door and started punching me, over and over again but never left a bruise. He told me I was white trash, a whore and my family were all whores and fags, it was so awful the things he said. I told him once he stopped hitting me that I was going to leave him, he then took my passport out of my purse and ripped the pages out, he took my license and snapped it in half along with my social insurance card - his way I guess of making me stay. He then took my shoes off as I kicked and screamed and kicked me out of the car and told me to walk home which I did in bare feet. When I got home, he was telling his parents how much of a whore I was, I don't know where he got that since I had and always was faithful to him. His mother told me it was my fault that I had 'talked back' and I deserved everything I got. I went in to our room and cried, I was too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family and I just cried myself to sleep. The next morning Nick came in and started to appologize, telling me he was just under so much stress from his parents that he snapped. He promised he would never do that again and understood if I wanted to leave but if I didn he didn't think he would be able to live without me. Of course, the naive 20 year old I was I stayed, I figured he would change, oh boy was I wrong.
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