So as the time went on Nick grew more abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually.
I remember lying in bed at times wondering why I was being punished? How could I escape this life I was in, I was so scared to leave because he had threatened to kill me if I left and he would make my family's life miserable.
Theres no feeling worse then feeling like you are stuck in a life that is only going to get worse, or possibly end. Do you know how it feels to be totally, utterly inlove with someone and fear them at the same time? To feel like you always want to be with them but to also be scared that at any moment they could snap or turn on you? To be forced to have sex with someone you love even if you are not in the mood, sad or upset? To be having sex with someone while you sob tears and have actual physical pain from being so tense and having this forced on you? To have someone you love disrespect your family and you feel like you can't stop them? I remember times when he would tell me he was going out with his friends and I would beg him to stay with me because I didn't want to be alone and he would tell me to stay in the basement and not come up until he got home. I remember one particular instance when we were sitting on a bench on the street talking and his friend drove by and asked him to go to a club with him - Nick agreed and jumped in the car and left, he left me sitting there!
I think he had an inclination that he was pushing me to the brink of leaving so he convinced me to have joint bank accounts where my pay went in, so basically I had no money to myself to leave if I really wanted to. At the time I would smoke cigarettes which (some may not understamd) but helped me cope when I just needed time to myself I would go outside and have a cig. He would take those from me as a form of controlling me. He would take my bank card when I wasn't looking and hide it.
In the Winter of the year I turned 20, I dislocated my knee and was taken to emergency. I was given crutches and sent home to heal and would see an orthopedic surgeon in the next few weeks. Well the next day Nick and I were driving and we got in to an argument - after him screaming and me trying to calm him down, he pulled over the car and told me to get out - in the cold, in the snow and with crutches and I walked home - normally without injured knees probably a 35 minute walk. Just one of the many things he did that seemed so cruel coming from someone you love.
I know many people like to blame the woman for staying with an abuser - but if you are married/invlolved and you love your significant other - just imagine having to leave them. When you feel that you are inlove you think that you could never love anyone else.
Also, as any woman who has been abused can tell you - abusers are very manipulative and can convince you that they will change, that its the last time etc etc etc AND you belive it. Not to mention the fact that he took all my money and my family lived hours away. I was too ashamed to tell friends so I felt stuck, I felt like this was The Hand I was Dealt and I had to live with it.
I do not think that I am to blame for staying and I totally understand how other women stay, its like Stockholm sydrome - you love the person who abuses you or captures you and you simply are scared to leave or a part of you doesn't want to leave. He would tell me that I was fat (please bear in mind I weighed about 110lbs) and ugly, and no one would love me like he did - I could list the things he said to convince me but its all the same. It is human nature to try and forgive people, thats what I did each time he hurt me. I was scared to leave and end it, I was young and I didnt know where to go or who to turn to. Some people might think that these are all excuses for staying but I truly believed that I could not leave.
I was always an avid baker - since I was a kid, I loved it. So the following Halloween I baked about 50 cupcakes for our co-workers (Nick and I worked together - not sure if I mentioned that) and I thought it was a nice gesture and a reason to bake. Nick watched me bake them the night before the 'incident' and he even ate a few - so did I! The morning of Halloween we got ready for work as normal, everything seemed fine so I got the cupcakes on to a tray, put my boots and coat on and headed to the car. Suddenly Nick came out and asked 'Why exactly did you bake those cupcakes? Was it for all the guys at work? Only a whore would do that'. I looked at him and told him ofcourse that was not the reason and I asked him what was wrong, why had he changed all of a sudden. He walked right over to me and threw the tray of cupcakes on the driveway. His mom had heard the commotion and she was standing at the front door. I managed to jump in to the car and I tried to lock the door but he got a hold of my arm and he tore the sleeve right off - the sleeve actually detached from the coat as he dragged me on to the lawn. He started to kick me and call me a whore, slut, etc. There were neighbours standing at their dorrs watching and no one did anything. His mother also stood and watched and did nothing. I ended up getting up while he turned to his mother and spoke in Farsi, and I ran in to the basement. He came running after me and his mother followed him. I honestly just remember being thrown from wall to wall - each time feeling my head smash on the wall. I fell to the ground finally because his mother was tugging on his arm telling him that was enough - very calmly in their language, Farsi. He went upstairs with her and I just knew I had to get out, but I didn't know where to go. I grabbed my wallet and cell phone and I ran out the door and stood at the bus stop - it was freezing out, I had no coat as he just destroyed mine and it was snowing, bad. The bus came fairly quickly and I got on it and took it downtown and as I was on the bus I was trying to think of who I could call. I decided to go to a store downtown and purchase a cheap coat, I only had about $20 cash and Nick had already taken my bank card out of my wallet - go figure. So I purchased a cheap coat - not very warm and I decided to call my aunt who lived and worked downtown. I couldn't get a single word out because I was crying so hard - as soon as she answered I couldnt help but cry. I eventually told her I needed to see her and I met her at her workplace. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her house key and meet her at her house. I waited for her and all I could do was cry. But interestingly enough - I was thinking of Nick and wondering if he was worrying where I was, had he missed work, was he late for work? Although he had put me through this - I still thought of him first. I went in to my aunts bathroom and looked in the mirror and wiped my mascara off my face and as I lifted my arm I noticed a huge bruise on my arm, so I searched the rest of my body and I had very large bruises on my arm, torso and legs. Although Nick had been abusive previously there never was a mark left, this time was different. My aunt insisted on taking pictures for future referance. My cousin was only 2 at the time and really wanted to go out trick - or -treating so we took him, I couldn't help but have a few melt downs while we were out and I remember him looking up at me and saying 'Why you so sad?'.
