The first few weeks at my fathers seemed to be exactly what I needed, I finally after 18 years felt complete, I felt like I had a dad now, one that wasn't going to abuse me, one who loved me and who was my biological father, I didn't quite feel the connection that a father-daughter should have but it would come, wouldn't it?
I started to work at a local club and I loved it, the scene was fun, lots of guys around! This was eye-candy for an 18 year old. I started meeting guys but stayed very focused on other things so didn't really date anyone. I met a few guys that I was interested in but they were either much older or younger, I wasn't in to younger guys, which 18 year old girl is?? The attention I got at the club really was addicting, I felt like a starlett walking through the club each night, like I was the centre of attention (not to toot my own horn but I have always been somewhat attractive so I started to feel more confidence). After my shift I would go across the street to another club and dance the night away, I made friends with the DJ there and I would dance in a 'cage' type thing - I guess you could call it go-go dancing, but all clothes remained on!
My fathers step-son offered to take me on the town for the night and show me around some new places and I agreed. He was about 3 years older than I was so I agreed. We went to a movie, and a few bars in town. Then we went back to his house to watch another movie and we were sitting on his bed watching the movie when he came behind me on the couch and got super-cozy. I didn't really know what to do at that point so I kind of just went with him and we ended up having sex that night, I totally didn't want to and don't get me wrong, he didnt force me but I felt like I couldn't or didnt say no. The next day I felt really weird, I mean he wasn't blood related but he was my fathers step-son. I told his sister what had happened and she told me that she knew he liked me but didn't think he would make a pass at me so soon. I didn't really talk to him much after that because I kind of felt pressured in to it at the time even though it ultimately was my decision to go ahead.
Things at home started to get a bit awry. I started noticing things about my father that I did not like. He was constantly viewing porn on the communal computer in the living room and if I came in the room he continued to watch it?!? Weird right? He then started taking my paychecks and giving me a portion of it and said that I needed to pay room and board?? Ok he never bought me a thing in my life, never paid child support and you'd think he would want to make up for lost time, right? Nope, not in his eyes. So I started hiding my tips so that I would have some 'walking money'.
My mother called one day to tell me that my Grandfather had had a heart attack and he would be having a Quadruple by-pass and he would like to see me but he was about an hour away. I told my father I would be going and he blew up, he said I was betraying him and after all he did for me, I was going to go back to them? Well this aggravated me and it turned in to a huge fight. I told him how much I hated him and how much I resented him for not bveing a part of my life and how I didn't think it was fair that he try and be a disciplinarian now after 18 years! Basically he told me that if I went my stuff would be on the front lawn for me to pick up when I was back and he wasn't lying, they were. I never spoke to him again.
I went to see my Grandfather and I had a melt down, he looked so weak and vulnurable but he was always so tough and strong. I spent a few days there with my mom and Grandma and we all kind of mended our relationships and my mom told me she would get me an apartment/room in town if I wanted to stay and my Grandmother offered to buy me all the necessities, so I agreed. We stayed in town to apartment hunt and Sam lived in town so he knew I was there and called and asked to see me. I went to his house and ofcourse, liek old times, we had sex. He made me promises that he would change and things would be better, probably just so I would sleep with him because the next day he told me he had made a mistake and thought we should not talk anymore. I was so heartbroken, and I felt so used.
After a few days, and success in finding a room with a bunch of other girls, my mother and Grandmother left town and I was left to fend for myself for the first time. I got a job as a receptionist and started paying bills and being a 'grown-up'. I had met a guy when I lived with my father and I decided to give him a call, and we hit it off right off the bat. He was studying to be an English Professor at the local University so we got to spend a lot of time together. Let's say his name is Nate. We were more like best friends, we only had sex a few times but it wasn't a strong sexual attraction - we literally were more like friends. The relationship fizzled but we remained friends and to this day we still are friends, we have tried a few times to be more than friends but it never worked out, but you will read more about that later on.
Living on my own in a town with no friends and no family was taking its toll on me so I started going online more and meeting more people.
One day I got an email from a guy that I had met through an online dating site and he sent me a picture of himself and I thought he was so hot - totally my type, dark hair, dark eyes, olive complexion. So we emailed back and forth quite a bit and decided to meet. He lived close to my mom so I went to visit her and we were going to meet at her house. He called my cell phone and told me he was outside waiting for me, I went outside and he looked even hotter in person! Amazing body, dark hair with blonde streaks, big brown eyes, nice tan and a million-dollar smile as he often called it. We instatntly felt an attraction, both physically and emotionally. After my mom saw that he wasn't some internet predator she left to visit my Grandparents out of town. This guy, lets say his name was Nick, and I went to dinner and talked for hours! Then he took me to the local lake and we sat on the rocks by the water and talked for longer! It seemed like an eternity but we had so much in common and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. We kissed on the rocks but that was as far as it went and then he offered to drive me home and when we got to my moms house I asked him in, well he ended up staying the entire weekend. We didn't have sex, he actually didn't even try to at all which made me fall for him even more. We spent the weekend shopping, going to restaurants, getting to know eachother and falling very hard, very fast. At the time it felt like for the first time in my life someone made me feel beautiful, smart, funny and loved. I say loved even though we just met but even though it sounds crazy, I thought I loved him at that point. Well that weekend began a very dark chapter in my life that I will never forget.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Part 7
When we moved back to Canada, I felt lost. I had no friends, I missed Sam and my mother and I's relationship was wearing thin. My mother had a few friends here and we went to visit them for a weekend, they had a son and daughter a bit older than I was. They happened to be going to a Rave one night, I had never heard of these types of parties so I tagged along with fake I.D. that they produced in minutes. On our way there Monica asked me if I had ever smoked weed, I told her I had quite a few times and really enjoyed it (I think I left that part out in previous blog posts!) and she told me that she had a pill that when you took it, it felt like you had smoked up without the hassle of smoking a joint, it was called 'E' - naive as I was I had never heard of it so I agreed to take one. She told me we would take it in the club so we had to hide it until we got in there so I popped open my cigarette pack and started to put it in there and she told me that that wasn't going to work, I needed to put it in my bra?? I was shocked, this was all so weird for me. So we put 2 pills each in our tops - exactly where nipples should be- I just looked like I had giant nipples in my top! Needless to say it worked and we got in to the rave. As soon as we got there, we took half of a pill and started to dance, nothing happened. Monica kept asking me if I felt any different and I told her 'no'. So she told me to take the other half and I did. Well not too long after I did, I felt so inlove with everyone! I ran up to her brother and planted a big wet kiss on him and I am pretty sure I threw myself at him! Then we danced some more and it was time to leave and I felt fine, a bit emotional, but fine none-the-less.
When we got back to their house we smoked a joint as well and I guess that enhanced the 'E' because not too long after I started to 'trip' which is what Monica called it. It was the worse feeling in the world! I honestly - and don't think I am crazy - but I saw myself floating above my body! It was insane and right away I started to freak out, I told her I had to go in the house and Jack, her brother, came with me. Well I couldn't calm down, all I could think was that I was going to die! It was horrible and I made Jack sit up with me and promise me that if I fell asleep he wouldn't leave my side incase I died! Well looking back now its funny, but it wasn't funny then! So I woke up in the morning and I was in his bed, beside him, how embarassing! I mean, he was hot and everything but he was almost 5 years older than me! My mom came to pick me up and saw that I was in Jack's bed and was a bit shocked but he told her I had been sick all night so he was just watching over me. The next day I felt fine, I truly have never felt the same since though - I think its mind over matter but I think it somehow has scarred me. The honesty and guilt in me took over and on the drive home I told my mother what I had done, she was very understanding but never let me see Jack & Monica again and Im pretty sure she never spoke to their parents again either.
The next year was a whirl-wind. I was still dating Sam long-distance but it wasn';t working out because I couldnt stay faithful. Not that I was sleeping around, I just liked flirting with guys and I enjoyed 'dating' new guys. Sam decided to move to Canada to go to College and I was ecstatic! He moved to Canada a few months later and we tried to make it work but the unfaithfullness on my part was too much for him to swallow - so we went our seperate ways but remained in touch - sort of 'friends with benefits'.
My mother and I got in to a huge fight one day, to be honest I don't remember what it was about but she decided it was enough to kick me out of the house, she took all my things, packed them in bags and threw them on the front lawn. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do. My God-father came to my resuce and decided that I would come and live with him for awhile, so he went to my house, picked up my things and I moved in with him and his 2 grown children. His wife, my God-mother passed away a few years prior.
During the next few months my mother wouldn't speak to me, and also had turned my Grandparents against me so they wouldn't talk to me either. I wish I could remember what started this all but my mind is blank.
My biological father contacted my God-father to get in touch with me, which was surprising. I will fill you in on how they knew eachother - my Godfather took my father in when he was a teenager, my Godparents ran a Foster home and my father was very troubled - he was in to drugs, alcohol amongst other things.
When my father called my Godfather he told him that he would be in town in a few weeks for a family reunion and wanted me to join them and meet my uncles, aunts and cousins. I agreed and since my mother wasn't talking to me, I felt that I needed a parent so he would have to do for now.
A few weeks later my father came in to town, we went out for dinner and I met my family on his side. There was my fathers twin sister, his gay brother and his boyfriend and my alcoholic uncle! Interesting bunch to say the least. At the end of the dinner, my father told me he would like me to come and live with him in London< ontario and we could try and have the relationship we never had. I talked to my Godfather about it because I felt like since he had taken me in, I didn't want to abandon him but he was very understanding and told me that he always wanted me to have a relationship with my father so this was a good idea and if it didn't work out, he would be there waiting. So I took his advice and moved to London with my father, his new wife and her 5 year old daughter.
When we got back to their house we smoked a joint as well and I guess that enhanced the 'E' because not too long after I started to 'trip' which is what Monica called it. It was the worse feeling in the world! I honestly - and don't think I am crazy - but I saw myself floating above my body! It was insane and right away I started to freak out, I told her I had to go in the house and Jack, her brother, came with me. Well I couldn't calm down, all I could think was that I was going to die! It was horrible and I made Jack sit up with me and promise me that if I fell asleep he wouldn't leave my side incase I died! Well looking back now its funny, but it wasn't funny then! So I woke up in the morning and I was in his bed, beside him, how embarassing! I mean, he was hot and everything but he was almost 5 years older than me! My mom came to pick me up and saw that I was in Jack's bed and was a bit shocked but he told her I had been sick all night so he was just watching over me. The next day I felt fine, I truly have never felt the same since though - I think its mind over matter but I think it somehow has scarred me. The honesty and guilt in me took over and on the drive home I told my mother what I had done, she was very understanding but never let me see Jack & Monica again and Im pretty sure she never spoke to their parents again either.
The next year was a whirl-wind. I was still dating Sam long-distance but it wasn';t working out because I couldnt stay faithful. Not that I was sleeping around, I just liked flirting with guys and I enjoyed 'dating' new guys. Sam decided to move to Canada to go to College and I was ecstatic! He moved to Canada a few months later and we tried to make it work but the unfaithfullness on my part was too much for him to swallow - so we went our seperate ways but remained in touch - sort of 'friends with benefits'.
My mother and I got in to a huge fight one day, to be honest I don't remember what it was about but she decided it was enough to kick me out of the house, she took all my things, packed them in bags and threw them on the front lawn. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do. My God-father came to my resuce and decided that I would come and live with him for awhile, so he went to my house, picked up my things and I moved in with him and his 2 grown children. His wife, my God-mother passed away a few years prior.
During the next few months my mother wouldn't speak to me, and also had turned my Grandparents against me so they wouldn't talk to me either. I wish I could remember what started this all but my mind is blank.
My biological father contacted my God-father to get in touch with me, which was surprising. I will fill you in on how they knew eachother - my Godfather took my father in when he was a teenager, my Godparents ran a Foster home and my father was very troubled - he was in to drugs, alcohol amongst other things.
When my father called my Godfather he told him that he would be in town in a few weeks for a family reunion and wanted me to join them and meet my uncles, aunts and cousins. I agreed and since my mother wasn't talking to me, I felt that I needed a parent so he would have to do for now.
A few weeks later my father came in to town, we went out for dinner and I met my family on his side. There was my fathers twin sister, his gay brother and his boyfriend and my alcoholic uncle! Interesting bunch to say the least. At the end of the dinner, my father told me he would like me to come and live with him in London< ontario and we could try and have the relationship we never had. I talked to my Godfather about it because I felt like since he had taken me in, I didn't want to abandon him but he was very understanding and told me that he always wanted me to have a relationship with my father so this was a good idea and if it didn't work out, he would be there waiting. So I took his advice and moved to London with my father, his new wife and her 5 year old daughter.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Part 6
A few days after my 16th birthday John called my name from downstairs and I didn't hear him so he came upstairs and asked me why I didnt answer him, I told him I didn't hear him calling me and I was sorry. Well according to him I had an attitude so he dragged me by my hair down the hall and kicked me repeatedly and punched me a few times in the head and slapped me across the face when I stood up. My mother heard the commotion and came upstairs to see what the problem was and she tried to intervene and John pushed her on the bed out of the way. He came back at me and started kicking me and I tried to stand up, he pushed me back down and told me to not get up until he was 'finished'. My mother came back at him from behind and he punched her in the chest (this was the first time he had laid his hands on her, he was clearly intoxicated) and she fell to the ground and started to shake. He ran over to her and grabbed her and started shaking her because he was scared that she was dying from the blow, he started to get very worried and seemed as if he was going to cry and he kept yelling her name. She finally came to and he took her to the hospital, she had a cracked rib. I only had a few welts, bumps and bruises. This was probably one of the most prominant episodes of abuse I can remember, he had escalated - he was now hitting my mother, it did end up being an isolated incident, he never hit her again though as you will read later on he did try.
I decided that I would write my biological father a letter because I was hoping to start a relationship with him so that we wouldn't waste anymore time not connecting - well I wrote it, and it came back and I resent it and yet again, it came back.
Not too long after I was 16 years old, I met a guy who was very smart, very humorous and very cute! I knew however that it would be an issue because he was of mixed race and John was very racist. My prom was coming up and I had no date because at the time I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, so I talked to my mother and convinced her to let me start dating this guy so that he could come to the prom with me and she agreed. So I finally approached him, lets say his name was Timothy, and we started to date. He was so good to me, always holding my hand and telling me how beautiful I was which seemed to really boost my self-esteem. Prom was coming up and I knew I needed to get a dress so my mother and I went to find a dress but I couldnt find one that I liked so I decided to get one made, I found a beautiful picture in a magazine and we found a dress-maker to do the job and it was stunning. About a week before prom I told Timothy that I thought I was ready to no longer just kiss and grope eachother, I wanted to go all the way - but he wasn't interested, he said he wasn't ready- sounds funny coming from a 16year old boy but he was also very religious and wanted to wait so we did. Prom day came and I was so excited, I had never dressed up like this and never really been allowed to go out with friends so this was going to be my time. I got my hair done, my makeup and nails done and I went to get ready because Timothy and his mother were going to be picking me up soon. When I was done getting dressed I walked downstairs to take some pictures and I didn't see John so I asked my mother where he was and she told me that he didn't approve of Timothy so he wouldn't be coming home until later, needless to say as much as I hated him for the way he had treated me, I was disappointed. Timothy arrived and said that I looked gorgeous and he called me his 'little pumpkin', he said the dress reminded him of a pumpkin because it was like a big, poofy wedding dress! I wasn't too impressed to see that he had a Looney Tunes tie on though! We finally got to the Reception for the prom and danced the night away, it was amazing! After the prom we were making out a bit and one thing led to another and at his house we went all the way! It was amazing, I will never forget the feeling of your first time, the anticipation, the emotions, the pain! LOL I guess he didn't want to wait anymore!
After that night I started to have different nightmares now, that everyone knew what I had done and that I was a dirty, slutty person. Also I would have dreams that as I was having sex with Timothy I would see Marks face and I would wake up screaming, it was horrible. So needless to say we did it one more time and that was it, I ended up breaking it off not too long after because I was going through too many of my own issues and needed to be alone. He was heartbroken, but understood and we still talk to this day, as friends.
The year I turned 17 years old was a big year, a lot came out in our family, a lot of skeletons. My mother started taking my Michael to this barber that was pretty far from our house but she said he was really good so she continued to take him there. One day when my mother picked me up from school, this barber guy was in the car and I asked her later on why he was in the car and she said that he lived close to us so she was driving him home - John would have been pissed especially since this barber was black but I never questioned it again.
I met another guy and he was everything you could want in a guy - tall, handsome, smart, funny and he came from a great family and he was caucasion so ofcourse John approved. I really liked this guy, lets say his name was Sam. Sam and I had a blast together and since John approved of him we also went out a lot which is something I hadn`t done a lot, we even went away on weekend getaways. About 6 months in to our relationship it turned sexual and it didn`t seem to effect me the way it did with Timothy, it was ok, I felt like I wasn`t doing anything wrong and I wasn`t getting the nightmares.
My mother seemed to always be on the phone and would hurry off when I came in to the room and never on the phone when John was home and I started to suspect something because we would get calls dduring the day and evening where a guy would ask for a different name all the time and he sounded the same, it was the same guy calling all the time. I started to suspect something but wasn;t sure what.
One day I was on the computer and I saw an open document in Microsoft Word so I clicked on it to see what it was and why it was still open - well what I was about to read would change my outlook on my mother, and relationships forever. I started to read the diary and it was addressed to Paul (the barber) and it talked about how much she loved him and how good he was to her and that she was contemplating leaving John for him. I was shocked, I couldn`t believe what I was reading, there was no way this was happening! I read further and she was appologizing for having an abortion! I was so upset with her, I couldnt understand what was going on - I had looked up to my mother and thought that she really loved John, she must have for staying with him after the years of abuse she had let me endure! As I was finishing reading the letter she came in to the room and yelled at me for reading her letter, I couldn`t even speak to her, I stormed out of the room and called Sam and told him to come and get me right away! She came in to the room and tried to talk to me, said I didn`t understand how she was feeling. I told her how disgusted I was with this and I didn`t want to talk to her for a long time, I told her I would be going to stay with Sam for awhile and she was to make something up when John asked her where I was and I left. I cried for hours after in Sam`s car and he tried to console me but I just couldn`t comprehend why she would do this to John, to Michael and I especially.
About a week later I came home and John was pissed, he came in to my room and started yelling at me, I told him to stop right there and if he wanted to know what the problem was he was to ask my mother and I closed my door! I think he had also suspected something because normally he would have taken this as an opportunity to release some anger and use me as a punching bag but he didn`t, he went downstairs and I could hear them yelling. A part of me wanted to tell him everything and the other part was so scared of what he would do that I decided to keep it to myself - but I wasn`t going to talk to my mother about it. A few weeks went by and it kind of died down but I didn`t speak to my mother at all and she went from being super nice to me so I would keep quiet to back to her same personality. On our way to school one day her and I got in to an argument and she turned the car around and drove home and told me that ``John can deal with you!``. Well when we got home John asked why we were there and my mother told him that I had an attitude problem and that just sent him over the edge, he hit me about 8 times in the stomach and one punch to the face and she looked at me and said `You shouldn`t talk to me the way you do`and walked off, I looked at him and told him in a very monatone voice that if he laid one more finger on me I would kill him, I told him that I had thought about it many times and now that I was turning 18, I wasn`t going to tolerate his shit anymore and I walked to my room and closed the door. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I had seen the abuse on my face, he had hit me in the face many times before but this punch was so intense that I had a busted lip and the blood had pooled under my lip and it was purple. I could hear my mother telling John he didn`t need to do that, he should have dealt with me differently and that was it. How could a mother provoke this abuse, how could she drive me home knowing this was what was going to happen! After I had kept her secret for all this time, I was not going to talk to either of them - I had it with them. My mother came in to my room and told me to take the ice off of my lip as it would harder the blood and to put a warm cloth on it to dissolve the blood and the purpleness would disappear, and she told me to get ready for school. I asked her if she was crazy, I cant go to school looking like this and she said `fine - do what you want`.
Not too long after John found out about Paul and confronted my mother and they got in to a huge argument, he went to hit her and I stood in the middle and he ended up hitting me - I asked him if he forgot what i had said and he didn`t say anything, throughout the argument my mother stormed out of the house and John followed her, about an hour later he came back but without my mother. All I could think was that he did something to her, he hurt her or killed her, I know it sounds like I jumped to conclusions but would you put it past him! He sobbed and told me he didn`t know where she was but I didn`t believe him, I asked him to explain to me what happened when they left and he kept saying he never saw her when he was driving but I didn`t beleive him. For 2 days and nights there was no hear nor tell of my mother and I had accepted that she wasn`t coming back, I knew at this point that something horrible had happened to her but I didn`t know what to do or who to tell, so I told Sam and he told me he would talk to his dad and figure out who we could go to. On the third day my mother finally called and said that she was at Pauls this whole time, I was so pissed! I had worried for 3 days that she was dead and she tells me she was at some guy`s house and she had abandoned her children! She tried to explain that she was scared of John and didn`t want to come home because of this fear. Long story short she came home that day and she told John she was leaving him and we were moving back to Canada. I was so mad at her, I knew I had to leave Sam and I was so heartbroken! Because of her selfish behaviour I had to leave the person I was inlove with - we left about 2 months later and I didn`t speak to John until we left nor did her and I get along very well either. Sam drove me to the airport and we played `Leaving on a jetplane`the way there and I cried the whole drive and we kissed and said we would talk soon, I didn`t even say bye to John - I was partly relieved that I would never have to see him again and to this day I haven`t.
I decided that I would write my biological father a letter because I was hoping to start a relationship with him so that we wouldn't waste anymore time not connecting - well I wrote it, and it came back and I resent it and yet again, it came back.
Not too long after I was 16 years old, I met a guy who was very smart, very humorous and very cute! I knew however that it would be an issue because he was of mixed race and John was very racist. My prom was coming up and I had no date because at the time I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, so I talked to my mother and convinced her to let me start dating this guy so that he could come to the prom with me and she agreed. So I finally approached him, lets say his name was Timothy, and we started to date. He was so good to me, always holding my hand and telling me how beautiful I was which seemed to really boost my self-esteem. Prom was coming up and I knew I needed to get a dress so my mother and I went to find a dress but I couldnt find one that I liked so I decided to get one made, I found a beautiful picture in a magazine and we found a dress-maker to do the job and it was stunning. About a week before prom I told Timothy that I thought I was ready to no longer just kiss and grope eachother, I wanted to go all the way - but he wasn't interested, he said he wasn't ready- sounds funny coming from a 16year old boy but he was also very religious and wanted to wait so we did. Prom day came and I was so excited, I had never dressed up like this and never really been allowed to go out with friends so this was going to be my time. I got my hair done, my makeup and nails done and I went to get ready because Timothy and his mother were going to be picking me up soon. When I was done getting dressed I walked downstairs to take some pictures and I didn't see John so I asked my mother where he was and she told me that he didn't approve of Timothy so he wouldn't be coming home until later, needless to say as much as I hated him for the way he had treated me, I was disappointed. Timothy arrived and said that I looked gorgeous and he called me his 'little pumpkin', he said the dress reminded him of a pumpkin because it was like a big, poofy wedding dress! I wasn't too impressed to see that he had a Looney Tunes tie on though! We finally got to the Reception for the prom and danced the night away, it was amazing! After the prom we were making out a bit and one thing led to another and at his house we went all the way! It was amazing, I will never forget the feeling of your first time, the anticipation, the emotions, the pain! LOL I guess he didn't want to wait anymore!
After that night I started to have different nightmares now, that everyone knew what I had done and that I was a dirty, slutty person. Also I would have dreams that as I was having sex with Timothy I would see Marks face and I would wake up screaming, it was horrible. So needless to say we did it one more time and that was it, I ended up breaking it off not too long after because I was going through too many of my own issues and needed to be alone. He was heartbroken, but understood and we still talk to this day, as friends.
The year I turned 17 years old was a big year, a lot came out in our family, a lot of skeletons. My mother started taking my Michael to this barber that was pretty far from our house but she said he was really good so she continued to take him there. One day when my mother picked me up from school, this barber guy was in the car and I asked her later on why he was in the car and she said that he lived close to us so she was driving him home - John would have been pissed especially since this barber was black but I never questioned it again.
I met another guy and he was everything you could want in a guy - tall, handsome, smart, funny and he came from a great family and he was caucasion so ofcourse John approved. I really liked this guy, lets say his name was Sam. Sam and I had a blast together and since John approved of him we also went out a lot which is something I hadn`t done a lot, we even went away on weekend getaways. About 6 months in to our relationship it turned sexual and it didn`t seem to effect me the way it did with Timothy, it was ok, I felt like I wasn`t doing anything wrong and I wasn`t getting the nightmares.
My mother seemed to always be on the phone and would hurry off when I came in to the room and never on the phone when John was home and I started to suspect something because we would get calls dduring the day and evening where a guy would ask for a different name all the time and he sounded the same, it was the same guy calling all the time. I started to suspect something but wasn;t sure what.
One day I was on the computer and I saw an open document in Microsoft Word so I clicked on it to see what it was and why it was still open - well what I was about to read would change my outlook on my mother, and relationships forever. I started to read the diary and it was addressed to Paul (the barber) and it talked about how much she loved him and how good he was to her and that she was contemplating leaving John for him. I was shocked, I couldn`t believe what I was reading, there was no way this was happening! I read further and she was appologizing for having an abortion! I was so upset with her, I couldnt understand what was going on - I had looked up to my mother and thought that she really loved John, she must have for staying with him after the years of abuse she had let me endure! As I was finishing reading the letter she came in to the room and yelled at me for reading her letter, I couldn`t even speak to her, I stormed out of the room and called Sam and told him to come and get me right away! She came in to the room and tried to talk to me, said I didn`t understand how she was feeling. I told her how disgusted I was with this and I didn`t want to talk to her for a long time, I told her I would be going to stay with Sam for awhile and she was to make something up when John asked her where I was and I left. I cried for hours after in Sam`s car and he tried to console me but I just couldn`t comprehend why she would do this to John, to Michael and I especially.
About a week later I came home and John was pissed, he came in to my room and started yelling at me, I told him to stop right there and if he wanted to know what the problem was he was to ask my mother and I closed my door! I think he had also suspected something because normally he would have taken this as an opportunity to release some anger and use me as a punching bag but he didn`t, he went downstairs and I could hear them yelling. A part of me wanted to tell him everything and the other part was so scared of what he would do that I decided to keep it to myself - but I wasn`t going to talk to my mother about it. A few weeks went by and it kind of died down but I didn`t speak to my mother at all and she went from being super nice to me so I would keep quiet to back to her same personality. On our way to school one day her and I got in to an argument and she turned the car around and drove home and told me that ``John can deal with you!``. Well when we got home John asked why we were there and my mother told him that I had an attitude problem and that just sent him over the edge, he hit me about 8 times in the stomach and one punch to the face and she looked at me and said `You shouldn`t talk to me the way you do`and walked off, I looked at him and told him in a very monatone voice that if he laid one more finger on me I would kill him, I told him that I had thought about it many times and now that I was turning 18, I wasn`t going to tolerate his shit anymore and I walked to my room and closed the door. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I had seen the abuse on my face, he had hit me in the face many times before but this punch was so intense that I had a busted lip and the blood had pooled under my lip and it was purple. I could hear my mother telling John he didn`t need to do that, he should have dealt with me differently and that was it. How could a mother provoke this abuse, how could she drive me home knowing this was what was going to happen! After I had kept her secret for all this time, I was not going to talk to either of them - I had it with them. My mother came in to my room and told me to take the ice off of my lip as it would harder the blood and to put a warm cloth on it to dissolve the blood and the purpleness would disappear, and she told me to get ready for school. I asked her if she was crazy, I cant go to school looking like this and she said `fine - do what you want`.
Not too long after John found out about Paul and confronted my mother and they got in to a huge argument, he went to hit her and I stood in the middle and he ended up hitting me - I asked him if he forgot what i had said and he didn`t say anything, throughout the argument my mother stormed out of the house and John followed her, about an hour later he came back but without my mother. All I could think was that he did something to her, he hurt her or killed her, I know it sounds like I jumped to conclusions but would you put it past him! He sobbed and told me he didn`t know where she was but I didn`t believe him, I asked him to explain to me what happened when they left and he kept saying he never saw her when he was driving but I didn`t beleive him. For 2 days and nights there was no hear nor tell of my mother and I had accepted that she wasn`t coming back, I knew at this point that something horrible had happened to her but I didn`t know what to do or who to tell, so I told Sam and he told me he would talk to his dad and figure out who we could go to. On the third day my mother finally called and said that she was at Pauls this whole time, I was so pissed! I had worried for 3 days that she was dead and she tells me she was at some guy`s house and she had abandoned her children! She tried to explain that she was scared of John and didn`t want to come home because of this fear. Long story short she came home that day and she told John she was leaving him and we were moving back to Canada. I was so mad at her, I knew I had to leave Sam and I was so heartbroken! Because of her selfish behaviour I had to leave the person I was inlove with - we left about 2 months later and I didn`t speak to John until we left nor did her and I get along very well either. Sam drove me to the airport and we played `Leaving on a jetplane`the way there and I cried the whole drive and we kissed and said we would talk soon, I didn`t even say bye to John - I was partly relieved that I would never have to see him again and to this day I haven`t.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Part 5
I decided to write my mother a letter one day saying everything that was on my mind, well most of it. I told her how hurtful it was that John was so abusive and that she didn't seem to do anything about it, how betrayed I felt. I also told her that I wanted to see my biological father because it felt like I had a void in my life without knowing him. She wasn't very responsive about the letter but told me that she would speak to John and hopefully the abuse would stop - this didn't seem to be the effort I was looking for from her. She also said that I was old enough to make my own decisions and if I wanted to meet my father I could. I decided that when I went back to Canada for the summer I would contact my biological father and hopefully get to meet with him, although he had abandoned me it seemed like I still wanted him in my life, I needed a father figure and John just wasn't cutting it.
I finally found the courage to call my biological father and to my surprise he had divorced his wife and was now married to someone else, that also had a child. His ex-wife told me that it didn';t work out between them because he just wasn't 'father material', really? How surprising? Didn't she think that when he abandoned his own flesh and blood? I guess she had to learn the hard way. I tried to call him on the number she gave me but I had no luck for 2 days. I finally tried on the 3rd day and got through, I was speechless, the silence was deafening. After I mustered up the courage to say hello, we decided to meet for dinner for the first time in 11 years. When we got to the restaurant I saw him and all I could think was 'He really looks like Al from Home Improvement' lol. I was so excited to think that I would finally have the father I longed for. I walked over to him and part of me wanted to hug him but I didn't, I just shook his hand. After dinner we went to his apartment to look at pictures of him and his new family, then he pulled out a picture of me when I was 2 years old, the only picture he had. Even though he was my father he seemed like a stranger, but I still had feelings of loving him, its amazing that after all the years of feeling abandoned, I still loved him. He drove me home and when we said goodbye I leaned over and hugged him and then I got out of the car. I didn't speak to him for another 2 years, I thought we had bonded but it was obviously one-sided.
Around the age of 16 years old, the nightmares started - I had nightmares before but they seemed worse now. I would have them about what Mark had done to me, I had them of times when I would get beaten from John and I would have ones where I would tell John that I loved him and he was the best father and then he would look at me and say "I don't love you, you're not my daughter" - this one in particular was the worst emotionally, I would wake up sobbing, I felt so hurt.
I recently found a diary that I wrote when I was about 15 -16 years old, I am going to share a part with you because it really brought back memories of how low my self-esteem was as a teenager because of the way John had treated me and from the memories that haunted me from Mark.
March 3, 1997: (I took this from a Seventeen magazine and had to fill in the blanks)
I have 'nice' hair.
In a bathing suit I look 'fat.
Before I fix my hair in the morning, I look 'awful'.
Whenever I try on clothes I feel 'fat'.
In pictures I usually look 'ugly'.
Whenever I am around boys I feel 'ugly'.
Most of my childhood memories are 'horrible'.
My parents are 'mean'.
When I am with my family I feel 'scared'.
Describe yourself in one word - ugly.
It really brings such strong emotions when I read this because I was always a very pretty girl and probably weighed 95lbs at 16 years old.
I finally found the courage to call my biological father and to my surprise he had divorced his wife and was now married to someone else, that also had a child. His ex-wife told me that it didn';t work out between them because he just wasn't 'father material', really? How surprising? Didn't she think that when he abandoned his own flesh and blood? I guess she had to learn the hard way. I tried to call him on the number she gave me but I had no luck for 2 days. I finally tried on the 3rd day and got through, I was speechless, the silence was deafening. After I mustered up the courage to say hello, we decided to meet for dinner for the first time in 11 years. When we got to the restaurant I saw him and all I could think was 'He really looks like Al from Home Improvement' lol. I was so excited to think that I would finally have the father I longed for. I walked over to him and part of me wanted to hug him but I didn't, I just shook his hand. After dinner we went to his apartment to look at pictures of him and his new family, then he pulled out a picture of me when I was 2 years old, the only picture he had. Even though he was my father he seemed like a stranger, but I still had feelings of loving him, its amazing that after all the years of feeling abandoned, I still loved him. He drove me home and when we said goodbye I leaned over and hugged him and then I got out of the car. I didn't speak to him for another 2 years, I thought we had bonded but it was obviously one-sided.
Around the age of 16 years old, the nightmares started - I had nightmares before but they seemed worse now. I would have them about what Mark had done to me, I had them of times when I would get beaten from John and I would have ones where I would tell John that I loved him and he was the best father and then he would look at me and say "I don't love you, you're not my daughter" - this one in particular was the worst emotionally, I would wake up sobbing, I felt so hurt.
I recently found a diary that I wrote when I was about 15 -16 years old, I am going to share a part with you because it really brought back memories of how low my self-esteem was as a teenager because of the way John had treated me and from the memories that haunted me from Mark.
March 3, 1997: (I took this from a Seventeen magazine and had to fill in the blanks)
I have 'nice' hair.
In a bathing suit I look 'fat.
Before I fix my hair in the morning, I look 'awful'.
Whenever I try on clothes I feel 'fat'.
In pictures I usually look 'ugly'.
Whenever I am around boys I feel 'ugly'.
Most of my childhood memories are 'horrible'.
My parents are 'mean'.
When I am with my family I feel 'scared'.
Describe yourself in one word - ugly.
It really brings such strong emotions when I read this because I was always a very pretty girl and probably weighed 95lbs at 16 years old.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Part 4
My adolescent years from about 9-13 were pretty much the same. I started to be really jealous of Michael, he seemed to get all the attention - I guess this is pretty normal for kids, it just seemed unfair that it was just mommy & I and then one day there was John and now theres Michael. I think I was also jealous at the fact that Michael never got abused my John, not that I wanted him to, please don't get me wrong. I just didn't understand why it was always me getting beaten. Why was I so bad that I deserved to endure this sort of abuse? What made John hate me so much that he needed to resort to hitting me? Why didn't my mom stop him? I felt so alone sometimes, like I would always been abused and I just remember wanting to get older so I could not have to live with John and I could not be abused anymore. I don't remember enjoying my childhood, there were good times, but to be totally honest I don't remember ever being happy when John was around.
I guess around age 13-14 I started to notice boys more, I started to have crushes, mainly the seniors in High School - I was still a Junior but never liked the boys my age. I still remember my first crush, it was with a 12th grader, I was only in Grade 8! LOL kind of scary to think, I hope my daughter will never do that! lol. I always saw this guy and thought how cute he was, he was on the basketball team and I would always watch him play. I think one day he made eye contact and smiled at me and of course I felt all giddy inside and thought maybe, just maybe that he liked me! Who was I kidding?? He was so much older than me! Well after his game one day I saw him in the hallway and he pulled me in to an empty classroom and asked me if I liked him - innocent as I was I said 'Yes, but forget about it, I know you don't like me." and he said "well how do you know that?" and I replied "I don't know, I just do!". Then he backed me up against the wall (I still remember this clear as day lol) and leaned his head to touch mine and said that he needed to go to class! Then he held my hand and said that we would talk tomorrow! Oh my God! He touched my hand, he likes me I thought! I was ecstatic! I was totally goo-goo-ga-ga all night! I think I wrote a 10-page entry in my diary that night! The next day he saw me in the hallway again and he leaned in and Kissed me on the lips! WOW! It was amazing, ok I understand I was only 13 but seriously, it was amazing! But sad to say he never talked to me again, I think he did it as a tease or maybe someone dared him to do it, but he didn`t even make eye contact ever again! I was heart-broken.
The report cards didn`t seem to get better either, my grades were still slacking but I just didn`t like school, I was always so depressed - I seemed to hate life. I hated John and I was so scared of him. I think about it now how scared of him I was and I don`t understand how a grown man can take out so much anger and abuse a child. I remember him beating me so bad one day because I didn`t get him a drink fast enough. The belt was his weapon of choice and I will NEVER forget the feeling of it hitting my skin - the burning sensation. I would always lie in my bed and cry after and rub my hands across the welts to feel how they stuck out of my skin. I always just hoped that no one would see them, I hid them so well and never told anyone what had happened.
John had a birthday party at his Uncles house one night - I was 15 I beleive, and he got a little tipsy so we decided to stay there the night. My mom, John and Michael slept in a room and I slept in another room with John`s Aunt. In the morning I got up and went in to the living room to watch some tv before everyone woke up. John`s uncle came in to the room and asked why I was awake so early and I told him I don`t like sleeping away from home, I always wake up early when I do. I was sitting in an arm chair and he came over to the chair and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I was a little shocked as to why he did this. Then when he saw that I didn`t say anything or ask him why he did that, he leaned in again and kissed me on the lips and I pulled away! What the hell just happened I was thinking but I couldnt speak! I was trembling and verbally paralyzed! I didnt know what to do. I was too embarassed that I didn`t react to him that I didn`t tell anyone what happened. Later that day he tried to give me $20 and told me that what happened would be ``our little secret``. What a creep! Why did this keep happening to me! I instantly felt like this was Deja Vu and that some how I was doing something to provoke this type of behaviour from the opposite sex. I felt dirty and felt like it was my fault.
I started to hit puberty around this time, I started to get breasts and more of a `body` I guess and I was so self concious, I hated it because I felt like now that I had these breasts, I would be making men look at me and therefore these sexual advances would continue to happen so I started to wear sports bras and I would put a tensor band around my breasts to flatten them, I also made my mother give me a note so that I didnt have to do Phys Ed at school, I was too paranoid to run around and have my breasts move in my shirt.
The year bewteen 15-16 years old was very hard for me, I was always depressed and I didn`t like the changes that were occuring with my body. This year John also started to become more abusive, his beatings with a belt progressed to blows to my face, blows to my stomach and kicking. He also decided that he would ``visit`me every morning before my mother woke up in my bed. He would come in and wake me up and come under the covers and talk to me. He would never make sexual advances but he would make comments like ``Your breasts are getting bigger huh``, or ``Your body is maturing very quickly these days``. He would also slap me on the ass sometimes when my mother wasn`t around and once he even pinched my breast. I didn`t understand why he was doing this. He was very sneaky about it, he didnt try anything sexually but still did a few things here and there I guess to get his kicks! I was so uncomfortable when he would come in my bed in the morning, every morning I dreaded it, I thought every day that that would be the morning that he would take his advances further, why not, its happened before with other males in my life. Why did this happen to me more than once! What am I doing to make them think its ok! Luckily he never took it past that point but what he did still was unnacceptable and I will never forget the disgust and hurt I felt when he did this each day, each time, from someone who wanted me to call them ``daddy``, he was sick!
I guess around age 13-14 I started to notice boys more, I started to have crushes, mainly the seniors in High School - I was still a Junior but never liked the boys my age. I still remember my first crush, it was with a 12th grader, I was only in Grade 8! LOL kind of scary to think, I hope my daughter will never do that! lol. I always saw this guy and thought how cute he was, he was on the basketball team and I would always watch him play. I think one day he made eye contact and smiled at me and of course I felt all giddy inside and thought maybe, just maybe that he liked me! Who was I kidding?? He was so much older than me! Well after his game one day I saw him in the hallway and he pulled me in to an empty classroom and asked me if I liked him - innocent as I was I said 'Yes, but forget about it, I know you don't like me." and he said "well how do you know that?" and I replied "I don't know, I just do!". Then he backed me up against the wall (I still remember this clear as day lol) and leaned his head to touch mine and said that he needed to go to class! Then he held my hand and said that we would talk tomorrow! Oh my God! He touched my hand, he likes me I thought! I was ecstatic! I was totally goo-goo-ga-ga all night! I think I wrote a 10-page entry in my diary that night! The next day he saw me in the hallway again and he leaned in and Kissed me on the lips! WOW! It was amazing, ok I understand I was only 13 but seriously, it was amazing! But sad to say he never talked to me again, I think he did it as a tease or maybe someone dared him to do it, but he didn`t even make eye contact ever again! I was heart-broken.
The report cards didn`t seem to get better either, my grades were still slacking but I just didn`t like school, I was always so depressed - I seemed to hate life. I hated John and I was so scared of him. I think about it now how scared of him I was and I don`t understand how a grown man can take out so much anger and abuse a child. I remember him beating me so bad one day because I didn`t get him a drink fast enough. The belt was his weapon of choice and I will NEVER forget the feeling of it hitting my skin - the burning sensation. I would always lie in my bed and cry after and rub my hands across the welts to feel how they stuck out of my skin. I always just hoped that no one would see them, I hid them so well and never told anyone what had happened.
John had a birthday party at his Uncles house one night - I was 15 I beleive, and he got a little tipsy so we decided to stay there the night. My mom, John and Michael slept in a room and I slept in another room with John`s Aunt. In the morning I got up and went in to the living room to watch some tv before everyone woke up. John`s uncle came in to the room and asked why I was awake so early and I told him I don`t like sleeping away from home, I always wake up early when I do. I was sitting in an arm chair and he came over to the chair and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I was a little shocked as to why he did this. Then when he saw that I didn`t say anything or ask him why he did that, he leaned in again and kissed me on the lips and I pulled away! What the hell just happened I was thinking but I couldnt speak! I was trembling and verbally paralyzed! I didnt know what to do. I was too embarassed that I didn`t react to him that I didn`t tell anyone what happened. Later that day he tried to give me $20 and told me that what happened would be ``our little secret``. What a creep! Why did this keep happening to me! I instantly felt like this was Deja Vu and that some how I was doing something to provoke this type of behaviour from the opposite sex. I felt dirty and felt like it was my fault.
I started to hit puberty around this time, I started to get breasts and more of a `body` I guess and I was so self concious, I hated it because I felt like now that I had these breasts, I would be making men look at me and therefore these sexual advances would continue to happen so I started to wear sports bras and I would put a tensor band around my breasts to flatten them, I also made my mother give me a note so that I didnt have to do Phys Ed at school, I was too paranoid to run around and have my breasts move in my shirt.
The year bewteen 15-16 years old was very hard for me, I was always depressed and I didn`t like the changes that were occuring with my body. This year John also started to become more abusive, his beatings with a belt progressed to blows to my face, blows to my stomach and kicking. He also decided that he would ``visit`me every morning before my mother woke up in my bed. He would come in and wake me up and come under the covers and talk to me. He would never make sexual advances but he would make comments like ``Your breasts are getting bigger huh``, or ``Your body is maturing very quickly these days``. He would also slap me on the ass sometimes when my mother wasn`t around and once he even pinched my breast. I didn`t understand why he was doing this. He was very sneaky about it, he didnt try anything sexually but still did a few things here and there I guess to get his kicks! I was so uncomfortable when he would come in my bed in the morning, every morning I dreaded it, I thought every day that that would be the morning that he would take his advances further, why not, its happened before with other males in my life. Why did this happen to me more than once! What am I doing to make them think its ok! Luckily he never took it past that point but what he did still was unnacceptable and I will never forget the disgust and hurt I felt when he did this each day, each time, from someone who wanted me to call them ``daddy``, he was sick!
Part 3
This year was when my mother met her second husband, lets say his name is John. My mother was a young mother and I knew that she would eventually find someone to marry to keep her happy, it wouldn't always just be her and I.
I used to go to a babysitter after school, and there was a guy who lived in her basement, John. John was such a nice guy, or so it seemed. He always played with me but especially when my mom came to get me, obviously wanted her attention - kind of cute I guess when you think about it. The way to a single mom's heart is through her kid right?? Well John knew that. He finally figured out a way to get her to go out with him, funny as it sounds he wrote a little note to her on the back of my homework one day and she saw it later that evening, no idea what it said, I couldn't read! lol.
It must have been a good letter because the eventually started dating and we moved in to the basement apartment with him. We had a lot of fun, he seemed like the ideal catch.
I started Grade 1 that year and it wasn't good, I hated school already, I despised every day of it. On all my report cards it said 'She talks too much, she loses focus too quickly'. Well after a few appointments with specialists and counsellors my mom was told I had ADD. She says that I still have it but hey, makes me a very 'social butterfly', lol thats how I look at it.
My mom and John finally got married, I was so excited to finally have a 'daddy', I think it completed me - now I could relate to all my friends when they talked about their daddys, not to mention being so proud that I was mommy's flower girl! I remember looking at my mom on her wedding day thinking how beautiful she was, her hair, her eyes, her dress - just stunning. She was my idol, I wanted to be just like her and marry a guy just like John one day. After the reception I spent the next 2 weeks with my Grandparents - did i mention that my Grandfather was my life! He was the most wonderful person in the world, no one could compare to him! He will always be the one person in my life that truly touched my heart. *tearing up* as you will read I lost my Grandfather awhile ago, I still am not over it, I guess we never get over losing loved ones.
So when I was about 7 years old, John hit me for the first time and my mother took pictures of the bruises. I really can't remember why he did or how it happened but I remember how old I was. John told my mother how sorry he was that he lost his temper and how horrible he feels and it will never, ever happen again. Of course, in love as she was she believed him, she thought it was a one-time thing - boy was she wrong! Now that I have a child, I still do not understand HOW you let someone hurt your child physically and do nothing about it, I would leave my husband this very day if he hurt our child.
A few years later, my mom and John had a son, lets say his name is Michael. I was so excited to have a brother, I really wanted a sister but hey I figured I would settle for a brother! Not long after Michael came along, the abuse from John towards me became a lot worse, he was never physically abusive to my mother, not at this point anyway.
The following year my Great-Grandmother passed away and my mother had to go to the funeral but someone had to stay with Michael and I so John did.
Here's a poem I wrote for my Greatgrandmother (You will notice that I like to write poems, not very good at them but I will share them with you through out my blog):
'Heaven'
Heaven is a cloud
So beautiful and white
All fantasies come true
There is no wrong and right.
If I die, I hope thats where I go
I'll go in peace, I'll never have woe.
Theres fairies and angels
Puppies and cats
Unicorns and horses
What do you think about that?
I'll go to see my Grandma
She'll watch out for me
I'll go to a garden
That has a magical key.
In this garden
Theres roses without prickles
Theres animals that only ticke.
When I die
I will be old
But when I go to heaven
I will always be young.
Cheesy I know but I was 9! lol
Every thing I did or said that week seemed to upset John and in turn he became abusive towards me, he would hit me in the back of the head, hit me with a belt, hit me with a hanger - pretty much any way he could be abusive he did, not to mention numerous times telling me I was his daughter - for a child that hurts emotionally because I longed for a father and even through the abuse - I loved John, I thought of him as my father.
One day while my mother was away John told me I had to scrub the floor in the kitchen on my hands and knee's (please keep in mind that I was 9 years old) and there was not to be a speck of dirt on the floor. I remember him kicking me repeatedly when I was slacking off, as most 9 year olds would do. I just remember thinking that I wanted my mother to come home, I thought she would be able to make him stop. He went down to the funeral for a couple of days and I was so relieved that he would be gone and I wouldnt have to endure the abuse for a few days at least. When my mother and John got back from the funeral I was so happy to see my mommy, I missed her so much. I didn't tell her what John had done as I was scared that she wouldn't believe me or that he would hurt me even more - I was just so glad that she was home.
One particular episode of abuse stays in my head even though I was so young. I had gone to my neighbours house to play because she got a 'skip-it' (do you remember those?? So cool!!) and I wanted to play with it. I was gone for about 3 hours and upon my return I walked in and John hit me in the back of my head and pulled off his belt. The welts from the belt were so sever that (it was summer) I had to wear turtle necks and long pants. The neighbour suspected something and she asked me over to the house for lunch, when I got there she asked me to reach for a glass for myself and as I did the back of my shurt raised up and she could see the welts from John. She didn't say anything at the time but she went over to my house and spoke to my mother, she told her that they were going camping and wanted to know if I could go with them. I still remember the look on my mothers face, I think she knew that they had suspected that I was being abused. My mother convinced John to let me go and I was so excited to go camping, I had never been so I packed my suitcase and ran over to their house. When I got there, they told me that we wouldn't be going camping but they wanted me to stay at their house with them, lights off and curtains closed. I think she had a talk with my mother because my mother called and spoke to me, she told me she knew we were not camping and that she knew they were 'hiding' me so that I wouldn't get hurt anymore. She told me she had talked to John and he would never hurt me again. By the end of that year my mother and John decided to seperate, not too sure of all the reasons, but I like to think the abuse contributed to her decision. John was originally from Portugal so he moved back to Portugal to pursue his business.
My mother dated a few guys over the next year but nothing serious, she still loved John. She decided to go and visit John in Portugal to try and reconcile. When she came back she told my brother and I that we would be moving to Portugal and her and John were reconciling their marriage, I felt crushed but she ensured me that he had time to think and that he had changed.
I used to go to a babysitter after school, and there was a guy who lived in her basement, John. John was such a nice guy, or so it seemed. He always played with me but especially when my mom came to get me, obviously wanted her attention - kind of cute I guess when you think about it. The way to a single mom's heart is through her kid right?? Well John knew that. He finally figured out a way to get her to go out with him, funny as it sounds he wrote a little note to her on the back of my homework one day and she saw it later that evening, no idea what it said, I couldn't read! lol.
It must have been a good letter because the eventually started dating and we moved in to the basement apartment with him. We had a lot of fun, he seemed like the ideal catch.
I started Grade 1 that year and it wasn't good, I hated school already, I despised every day of it. On all my report cards it said 'She talks too much, she loses focus too quickly'. Well after a few appointments with specialists and counsellors my mom was told I had ADD. She says that I still have it but hey, makes me a very 'social butterfly', lol thats how I look at it.
My mom and John finally got married, I was so excited to finally have a 'daddy', I think it completed me - now I could relate to all my friends when they talked about their daddys, not to mention being so proud that I was mommy's flower girl! I remember looking at my mom on her wedding day thinking how beautiful she was, her hair, her eyes, her dress - just stunning. She was my idol, I wanted to be just like her and marry a guy just like John one day. After the reception I spent the next 2 weeks with my Grandparents - did i mention that my Grandfather was my life! He was the most wonderful person in the world, no one could compare to him! He will always be the one person in my life that truly touched my heart. *tearing up* as you will read I lost my Grandfather awhile ago, I still am not over it, I guess we never get over losing loved ones.
So when I was about 7 years old, John hit me for the first time and my mother took pictures of the bruises. I really can't remember why he did or how it happened but I remember how old I was. John told my mother how sorry he was that he lost his temper and how horrible he feels and it will never, ever happen again. Of course, in love as she was she believed him, she thought it was a one-time thing - boy was she wrong! Now that I have a child, I still do not understand HOW you let someone hurt your child physically and do nothing about it, I would leave my husband this very day if he hurt our child.
A few years later, my mom and John had a son, lets say his name is Michael. I was so excited to have a brother, I really wanted a sister but hey I figured I would settle for a brother! Not long after Michael came along, the abuse from John towards me became a lot worse, he was never physically abusive to my mother, not at this point anyway.
The following year my Great-Grandmother passed away and my mother had to go to the funeral but someone had to stay with Michael and I so John did.
Here's a poem I wrote for my Greatgrandmother (You will notice that I like to write poems, not very good at them but I will share them with you through out my blog):
'Heaven'
Heaven is a cloud
So beautiful and white
All fantasies come true
There is no wrong and right.
If I die, I hope thats where I go
I'll go in peace, I'll never have woe.
Theres fairies and angels
Puppies and cats
Unicorns and horses
What do you think about that?
I'll go to see my Grandma
She'll watch out for me
I'll go to a garden
That has a magical key.
In this garden
Theres roses without prickles
Theres animals that only ticke.
When I die
I will be old
But when I go to heaven
I will always be young.
Cheesy I know but I was 9! lol
Every thing I did or said that week seemed to upset John and in turn he became abusive towards me, he would hit me in the back of the head, hit me with a belt, hit me with a hanger - pretty much any way he could be abusive he did, not to mention numerous times telling me I was his daughter - for a child that hurts emotionally because I longed for a father and even through the abuse - I loved John, I thought of him as my father.
One day while my mother was away John told me I had to scrub the floor in the kitchen on my hands and knee's (please keep in mind that I was 9 years old) and there was not to be a speck of dirt on the floor. I remember him kicking me repeatedly when I was slacking off, as most 9 year olds would do. I just remember thinking that I wanted my mother to come home, I thought she would be able to make him stop. He went down to the funeral for a couple of days and I was so relieved that he would be gone and I wouldnt have to endure the abuse for a few days at least. When my mother and John got back from the funeral I was so happy to see my mommy, I missed her so much. I didn't tell her what John had done as I was scared that she wouldn't believe me or that he would hurt me even more - I was just so glad that she was home.
One particular episode of abuse stays in my head even though I was so young. I had gone to my neighbours house to play because she got a 'skip-it' (do you remember those?? So cool!!) and I wanted to play with it. I was gone for about 3 hours and upon my return I walked in and John hit me in the back of my head and pulled off his belt. The welts from the belt were so sever that (it was summer) I had to wear turtle necks and long pants. The neighbour suspected something and she asked me over to the house for lunch, when I got there she asked me to reach for a glass for myself and as I did the back of my shurt raised up and she could see the welts from John. She didn't say anything at the time but she went over to my house and spoke to my mother, she told her that they were going camping and wanted to know if I could go with them. I still remember the look on my mothers face, I think she knew that they had suspected that I was being abused. My mother convinced John to let me go and I was so excited to go camping, I had never been so I packed my suitcase and ran over to their house. When I got there, they told me that we wouldn't be going camping but they wanted me to stay at their house with them, lights off and curtains closed. I think she had a talk with my mother because my mother called and spoke to me, she told me she knew we were not camping and that she knew they were 'hiding' me so that I wouldn't get hurt anymore. She told me she had talked to John and he would never hurt me again. By the end of that year my mother and John decided to seperate, not too sure of all the reasons, but I like to think the abuse contributed to her decision. John was originally from Portugal so he moved back to Portugal to pursue his business.
My mother dated a few guys over the next year but nothing serious, she still loved John. She decided to go and visit John in Portugal to try and reconcile. When she came back she told my brother and I that we would be moving to Portugal and her and John were reconciling their marriage, I felt crushed but she ensured me that he had time to think and that he had changed.
Part 2
So I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post more, I feel so emancipated just talking about this and blogging it, so here we go....
My mother became ambitious and decided that she would go back to University to study nursing when I was 4 years old and I would stay with my biological fathers aunt from Monday- Friday and my mother would pick me up on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together until she had to bring me back to their house on Monday. Every Saturday we went out for lunch, anywhere I chose - I still remember those lunches, I felt like such a 'big girl'. I remember one particular lunch when we went to the Bloor Street Diner, very fancy at that time, at least it seemed that way to my 4 year old mind. We had just sat down and the waiter came over and took the cloth napkin out of the glass and laid it on my lap and I freaked out, I started screaming that he was touching my private parts! lol funny as it sounds, thats what my mom told me to do as a child, not to let anyone touch you in that area! I guess it was innocent that he laid the napkin on my lap but to a 4 year old it didn't seem that way - needless to say my mom was a bit embarassed.
The following might be a little scattered but I have tried for many years to try and block it out however only certain parts have been blocked so its sort of all over the place. My mother dropped me off at my aunt's house for the week - it was great in the beginning because I had a cousin who was my age, lets say her name is Wendy and Wendy had an older brother who was 16 years old, lets say his name was Mark.
One day Wendy and I were playing in her room and Mark came in and closed the door behind him. He told Wendy to lie down on the floor and she did, he then pulled her pants down, then her underwear down and brushed her hair out of her face. He then proceeded to go on top of her and I don't want to get graffic but you can imagine what happened after that - I don't remember everything but I will never forget the look on Wendy's face - no emotion at all, not a tear, not a sob, not a sound - she had been so used to this that she knew being silent would make it easier. Mark continued to do this to Wendy for a long time, and he always made me watch when I was there. I remember asking Wendy about it when we were alone and she wouldn't even talk about it, she would pretend she didn't hear me. I couldn't understand why she wouldnt say anything, we were so young but I remember knowing it was very wrong. Mark was her older brother and even though I didn't have an older brother, I knew that he should protect her, not hurt her. This continued to happen for a long time - to this day I don't know if it was weeks or months, in my 4 year old mind it just seemed like an eternity. One day Wendy and I were in her room - funny how you remember things but I remember playing with a Humpty Dumpty toy when Mark came in and Wendy and I became very quiet as we knew what was about to happen but this day was different. This time Wendy lay on the floor and Mark told me to do the same and I told him no I didnt want to but he said I had to or else I would be in trouble-to lay down because we were going to play a fun game, what trouble meant at that time I don't know. I still resisted and started to cry but Mark threw an Aquafresh toothpaste bottle at my head and I don't remember much after that. I do remember saying that I didn;t want to get hurt and he told me it wouldn't hurt, he said "Wendy come here, lets show her it doesn't hurt". Mark then laid down on top of Wendy and this time she sobbed - I still think to this day she sobbed because she knew it was going to happen to me now, so I did as he said but I still remember crying and knowing that if I just listened he wouldn't throw anything at me again. So I laid down on the ground beside Wendy, she was still sobbing and he told me to pull my pants and underwear down and I did. All I remember after that is picturing him coming on top of me and I cannot remember anything after that, my psychologist said that I have blocked it from my mind from being traumatized at such a young age. I do remember crying after and feeling so much pain and not knowing why he was so cruel to us, why he hurt us so bad.
When Wendy's mother came home later that day I ran to her and told her that something bad had happened that day and I wanted to talk to my mom. She told me that my mom would call later and I could talk to her then but she asked me what happened. I told her what Mark had done and that Mark had been doing this t Wendy for a long time. She seemed very concerned and called Wendy in to the room, Mark had been out with his friends. She asked Wendy if Mark had been hurting her and Wendy said 'no'. I was so confused, I tried to tell Wendy to tell the truth but she didn't, she said I was lying and she just looked at me with a blank stare, no emotion at all. Her mother called my mom later that day and told her that I had been stirring the pot at their house and trying to get Mark in trouble, she told my mother I was a very disturbed child and she wanted to know where I learned about these things. I don't remember how long I stayed at her house for but I do remember being there for awhile after and it continued to happen to Wendy but Mark never touched me again. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she always kind of blew me off, it seemed like I would talk to her about it and she would say 'oh, you shouldn't say those things, its not nice to accuse people of those bad things'. I do remember seeing a psychiatrist at a young age but not sure what happened out of it. I don't know if my mother brought me to a psychiatrist because she believed me or because she thought I was making up horrible lies. At a later age, 13 I believe, I tried to bring it up to my mom and her response was that I told her "Mark tried to kiss me", what the hell?? Where did that come from?? That was bullshit! I know for a fact I tried to tell her, did she think that I would just forget that this happened? That I would somehow erase it all from my mind? To this day I think a part of me still resents her for not listening to me, and for not doing anything about it.
Wow that really was hard to put in writing but I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest in this way. Stay tuned for more, and thank you for reading!
My mother became ambitious and decided that she would go back to University to study nursing when I was 4 years old and I would stay with my biological fathers aunt from Monday- Friday and my mother would pick me up on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together until she had to bring me back to their house on Monday. Every Saturday we went out for lunch, anywhere I chose - I still remember those lunches, I felt like such a 'big girl'. I remember one particular lunch when we went to the Bloor Street Diner, very fancy at that time, at least it seemed that way to my 4 year old mind. We had just sat down and the waiter came over and took the cloth napkin out of the glass and laid it on my lap and I freaked out, I started screaming that he was touching my private parts! lol funny as it sounds, thats what my mom told me to do as a child, not to let anyone touch you in that area! I guess it was innocent that he laid the napkin on my lap but to a 4 year old it didn't seem that way - needless to say my mom was a bit embarassed.
The following might be a little scattered but I have tried for many years to try and block it out however only certain parts have been blocked so its sort of all over the place. My mother dropped me off at my aunt's house for the week - it was great in the beginning because I had a cousin who was my age, lets say her name is Wendy and Wendy had an older brother who was 16 years old, lets say his name was Mark.
One day Wendy and I were playing in her room and Mark came in and closed the door behind him. He told Wendy to lie down on the floor and she did, he then pulled her pants down, then her underwear down and brushed her hair out of her face. He then proceeded to go on top of her and I don't want to get graffic but you can imagine what happened after that - I don't remember everything but I will never forget the look on Wendy's face - no emotion at all, not a tear, not a sob, not a sound - she had been so used to this that she knew being silent would make it easier. Mark continued to do this to Wendy for a long time, and he always made me watch when I was there. I remember asking Wendy about it when we were alone and she wouldn't even talk about it, she would pretend she didn't hear me. I couldn't understand why she wouldnt say anything, we were so young but I remember knowing it was very wrong. Mark was her older brother and even though I didn't have an older brother, I knew that he should protect her, not hurt her. This continued to happen for a long time - to this day I don't know if it was weeks or months, in my 4 year old mind it just seemed like an eternity. One day Wendy and I were in her room - funny how you remember things but I remember playing with a Humpty Dumpty toy when Mark came in and Wendy and I became very quiet as we knew what was about to happen but this day was different. This time Wendy lay on the floor and Mark told me to do the same and I told him no I didnt want to but he said I had to or else I would be in trouble-to lay down because we were going to play a fun game, what trouble meant at that time I don't know. I still resisted and started to cry but Mark threw an Aquafresh toothpaste bottle at my head and I don't remember much after that. I do remember saying that I didn;t want to get hurt and he told me it wouldn't hurt, he said "Wendy come here, lets show her it doesn't hurt". Mark then laid down on top of Wendy and this time she sobbed - I still think to this day she sobbed because she knew it was going to happen to me now, so I did as he said but I still remember crying and knowing that if I just listened he wouldn't throw anything at me again. So I laid down on the ground beside Wendy, she was still sobbing and he told me to pull my pants and underwear down and I did. All I remember after that is picturing him coming on top of me and I cannot remember anything after that, my psychologist said that I have blocked it from my mind from being traumatized at such a young age. I do remember crying after and feeling so much pain and not knowing why he was so cruel to us, why he hurt us so bad.
When Wendy's mother came home later that day I ran to her and told her that something bad had happened that day and I wanted to talk to my mom. She told me that my mom would call later and I could talk to her then but she asked me what happened. I told her what Mark had done and that Mark had been doing this t Wendy for a long time. She seemed very concerned and called Wendy in to the room, Mark had been out with his friends. She asked Wendy if Mark had been hurting her and Wendy said 'no'. I was so confused, I tried to tell Wendy to tell the truth but she didn't, she said I was lying and she just looked at me with a blank stare, no emotion at all. Her mother called my mom later that day and told her that I had been stirring the pot at their house and trying to get Mark in trouble, she told my mother I was a very disturbed child and she wanted to know where I learned about these things. I don't remember how long I stayed at her house for but I do remember being there for awhile after and it continued to happen to Wendy but Mark never touched me again. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she always kind of blew me off, it seemed like I would talk to her about it and she would say 'oh, you shouldn't say those things, its not nice to accuse people of those bad things'. I do remember seeing a psychiatrist at a young age but not sure what happened out of it. I don't know if my mother brought me to a psychiatrist because she believed me or because she thought I was making up horrible lies. At a later age, 13 I believe, I tried to bring it up to my mom and her response was that I told her "Mark tried to kiss me", what the hell?? Where did that come from?? That was bullshit! I know for a fact I tried to tell her, did she think that I would just forget that this happened? That I would somehow erase it all from my mind? To this day I think a part of me still resents her for not listening to me, and for not doing anything about it.
Wow that really was hard to put in writing but I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest in this way. Stay tuned for more, and thank you for reading!
The hand I was dealt
I have been wanting to do this for such a long time but never mustered up the courage but in the light of the while Rihanna/Chris Brown issue I felt like it is time to try and reach as many people as possible.
I am in my late 20's and what a life it has been so far, the up's have been great but the down's have been mind-altering. Unfortunately when these things happen it can effect us forever in our daily lives and especially when we are alone, I find this is the hardest time for me I find, when I am lying in bed and my better half is sleeping - my mind seems to race and my thoughts are uncontrollable. I know I am not the only one in life that has had these things happen but I do believe talking or blogging actually will help in my healing process and maybe I will touch some people's lives and help them in their healing process, I figure if I could help 1 person I have accomplished something great!
Recently I started seeing a Psychologist about my problems and when he asked me why I was there I truly didn't know where to start, it seems like I could talk for hours but only had 1 hour to tell him everything so I found myself rambling and I was all over the place but when I was done he asked me 'How did that feel? Letting it all out?' and i didn't realize how good it would have felt but after holding it in for over 20 years, I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I hope to feel even better about this from blogging and hopefully help a few people along the way.
There is so much for me to blog about that I am going to write on here daily but I will start from my early age and daily I will update as I get older. So a snapshot of what to come - I will be blogging about sexual abuse, physical abuse as a child and as an adult, emotional abuse, relationship and family abuse, not knowing and not having a relationship with a father, strained relationship with a mother and 4 years of being stuck in a relationship with all forms of abuse including physical, emotional and being sexually degraded.
I wish to remain anonymous as there are too many people out there that tend to judge us and a few people I do not want to hurt.
So where do I start, my mother got married at a very young age (17 years old) to her high school sweetheart and the relationship soon became abusive, both physically and emotionally. After a year of marriage my mother got pregnant with me and was so ecstatic to have a child. After about 2 years of enduring abuse after I was born my mother decided to leave my father, and set out to live a life as a single mom - determined to do so despite how hard it was going to be. Unfortunately my father didn't play a big part in my life, never really did but as you will read later on, I did try at one point to have this relationship. My mother tried to allow my father to see me even though she had sole-custody, but it didnt seem like he wanted anything to do with me as a daughter. He had remarried and was raising 3 children that were not his but his biological daughter wasn't in his eyes good enough to be a part of his life. So after a visit with him at the age of 4 he dropped me at my mothers door step and I didnt see nor hear from him again until I was 16 years old. I sent him numerous cards, letters, pictures etc but never got a response. Being a parent myself now, I cannot understand how you would want nothing to do with your child?? I love my child so unconditionally and cannot imagine life without him/her and to boot he was raising someone else's 3 children so it wasn't that he didn't want children in his life, he was just an asshole I guess!
I am in my late 20's and what a life it has been so far, the up's have been great but the down's have been mind-altering. Unfortunately when these things happen it can effect us forever in our daily lives and especially when we are alone, I find this is the hardest time for me I find, when I am lying in bed and my better half is sleeping - my mind seems to race and my thoughts are uncontrollable. I know I am not the only one in life that has had these things happen but I do believe talking or blogging actually will help in my healing process and maybe I will touch some people's lives and help them in their healing process, I figure if I could help 1 person I have accomplished something great!
Recently I started seeing a Psychologist about my problems and when he asked me why I was there I truly didn't know where to start, it seems like I could talk for hours but only had 1 hour to tell him everything so I found myself rambling and I was all over the place but when I was done he asked me 'How did that feel? Letting it all out?' and i didn't realize how good it would have felt but after holding it in for over 20 years, I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I hope to feel even better about this from blogging and hopefully help a few people along the way.
There is so much for me to blog about that I am going to write on here daily but I will start from my early age and daily I will update as I get older. So a snapshot of what to come - I will be blogging about sexual abuse, physical abuse as a child and as an adult, emotional abuse, relationship and family abuse, not knowing and not having a relationship with a father, strained relationship with a mother and 4 years of being stuck in a relationship with all forms of abuse including physical, emotional and being sexually degraded.
I wish to remain anonymous as there are too many people out there that tend to judge us and a few people I do not want to hurt.
So where do I start, my mother got married at a very young age (17 years old) to her high school sweetheart and the relationship soon became abusive, both physically and emotionally. After a year of marriage my mother got pregnant with me and was so ecstatic to have a child. After about 2 years of enduring abuse after I was born my mother decided to leave my father, and set out to live a life as a single mom - determined to do so despite how hard it was going to be. Unfortunately my father didn't play a big part in my life, never really did but as you will read later on, I did try at one point to have this relationship. My mother tried to allow my father to see me even though she had sole-custody, but it didnt seem like he wanted anything to do with me as a daughter. He had remarried and was raising 3 children that were not his but his biological daughter wasn't in his eyes good enough to be a part of his life. So after a visit with him at the age of 4 he dropped me at my mothers door step and I didnt see nor hear from him again until I was 16 years old. I sent him numerous cards, letters, pictures etc but never got a response. Being a parent myself now, I cannot understand how you would want nothing to do with your child?? I love my child so unconditionally and cannot imagine life without him/her and to boot he was raising someone else's 3 children so it wasn't that he didn't want children in his life, he was just an asshole I guess!
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