Part 4

My adolescent years from about 9-13 were pretty much the same. I started to be really jealous of Michael, he seemed to get all the attention - I guess this is pretty normal for kids, it just seemed unfair that it was just mommy & I and then one day there was John and now theres Michael. I think I was also jealous at the fact that Michael never got abused my John, not that I wanted him to, please don't get me wrong. I just didn't understand why it was always me getting beaten. Why was I so bad that I deserved to endure this sort of abuse? What made John hate me so much that he needed to resort to hitting me? Why didn't my mom stop him? I felt so alone sometimes, like I would always been abused and I just remember wanting to get older so I could not have to live with John and I could not be abused anymore. I don't remember enjoying my childhood, there were good times, but to be totally honest I don't remember ever being happy when John was around.

I guess around age 13-14 I started to notice boys more, I started to have crushes, mainly the seniors in High School - I was still a Junior but never liked the boys my age. I still remember my first crush, it was with a 12th grader, I was only in Grade 8! LOL kind of scary to think, I hope my daughter will never do that! lol. I always saw this guy and thought how cute he was, he was on the basketball team and I would always watch him play. I think one day he made eye contact and smiled at me and of course I felt all giddy inside and thought maybe, just maybe that he liked me! Who was I kidding?? He was so much older than me! Well after his game one day I saw him in the hallway and he pulled me in to an empty classroom and asked me if I liked him - innocent as I was I said 'Yes, but forget about it, I know you don't like me." and he said "well how do you know that?" and I replied "I don't know, I just do!". Then he backed me up against the wall (I still remember this clear as day lol) and leaned his head to touch mine and said that he needed to go to class! Then he held my hand and said that we would talk tomorrow! Oh my God! He touched my hand, he likes me I thought! I was ecstatic! I was totally goo-goo-ga-ga all night! I think I wrote a 10-page entry in my diary that night! The next day he saw me in the hallway again and he leaned in and Kissed me on the lips! WOW! It was amazing, ok I understand I was only 13 but seriously, it was amazing! But sad to say he never talked to me again, I think he did it as a tease or maybe someone dared him to do it, but he didn`t even make eye contact ever again! I was heart-broken.

The report cards didn`t seem to get better either, my grades were still slacking but I just didn`t like school, I was always so depressed - I seemed to hate life. I hated John and I was so scared of him. I think about it now how scared of him I was and I don`t understand how a grown man can take out so much anger and abuse a child. I remember him beating me so bad one day because I didn`t get him a drink fast enough. The belt was his weapon of choice and I will NEVER forget the feeling of it hitting my skin - the burning sensation. I would always lie in my bed and cry after and rub my hands across the welts to feel how they stuck out of my skin. I always just hoped that no one would see them, I hid them so well and never told anyone what had happened.

John had a birthday party at his Uncles house one night - I was 15 I beleive, and he got a little tipsy so we decided to stay there the night. My mom, John and Michael slept in a room and I slept in another room with John`s Aunt. In the morning I got up and went in to the living room to watch some tv before everyone woke up. John`s uncle came in to the room and asked why I was awake so early and I told him I don`t like sleeping away from home, I always wake up early when I do. I was sitting in an arm chair and he came over to the chair and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I was a little shocked as to why he did this. Then when he saw that I didn`t say anything or ask him why he did that, he leaned in again and kissed me on the lips and I pulled away! What the hell just happened I was thinking but I couldnt speak! I was trembling and verbally paralyzed! I didnt know what to do. I was too embarassed that I didn`t react to him that I didn`t tell anyone what happened. Later that day he tried to give me $20 and told me that what happened would be ``our little secret``. What a creep! Why did this keep happening to me! I instantly felt like this was Deja Vu and that some how I was doing something to provoke this type of behaviour from the opposite sex. I felt dirty and felt like it was my fault.

I started to hit puberty around this time, I started to get breasts and more of a `body` I guess and I was so self concious, I hated it because I felt like now that I had these breasts, I would be making men look at me and therefore these sexual advances would continue to happen so I started to wear sports bras and I would put a tensor band around my breasts to flatten them, I also made my mother give me a note so that I didnt have to do Phys Ed at school, I was too paranoid to run around and have my breasts move in my shirt.

The year bewteen 15-16 years old was very hard for me, I was always depressed and I didn`t like the changes that were occuring with my body. This year John also started to become more abusive, his beatings with a belt progressed to blows to my face, blows to my stomach and kicking. He also decided that he would ``visit`me every morning before my mother woke up in my bed. He would come in and wake me up and come under the covers and talk to me. He would never make sexual advances but he would make comments like ``Your breasts are getting bigger huh``, or ``Your body is maturing very quickly these days``. He would also slap me on the ass sometimes when my mother wasn`t around and once he even pinched my breast. I didn`t understand why he was doing this. He was very sneaky about it, he didnt try anything sexually but still did a few things here and there I guess to get his kicks! I was so uncomfortable when he would come in my bed in the morning, every morning I dreaded it, I thought every day that that would be the morning that he would take his advances further, why not, its happened before with other males in my life. Why did this happen to me more than once! What am I doing to make them think its ok! Luckily he never took it past that point but what he did still was unnacceptable and I will never forget the disgust and hurt I felt when he did this each day, each time, from someone who wanted me to call them ``daddy``, he was sick!