This year was when my mother met her second husband, lets say his name is John. My mother was a young mother and I knew that she would eventually find someone to marry to keep her happy, it wouldn't always just be her and I.
I used to go to a babysitter after school, and there was a guy who lived in her basement, John. John was such a nice guy, or so it seemed. He always played with me but especially when my mom came to get me, obviously wanted her attention - kind of cute I guess when you think about it. The way to a single mom's heart is through her kid right?? Well John knew that. He finally figured out a way to get her to go out with him, funny as it sounds he wrote a little note to her on the back of my homework one day and she saw it later that evening, no idea what it said, I couldn't read! lol.
It must have been a good letter because the eventually started dating and we moved in to the basement apartment with him. We had a lot of fun, he seemed like the ideal catch.
I started Grade 1 that year and it wasn't good, I hated school already, I despised every day of it. On all my report cards it said 'She talks too much, she loses focus too quickly'. Well after a few appointments with specialists and counsellors my mom was told I had ADD. She says that I still have it but hey, makes me a very 'social butterfly', lol thats how I look at it.
My mom and John finally got married, I was so excited to finally have a 'daddy', I think it completed me - now I could relate to all my friends when they talked about their daddys, not to mention being so proud that I was mommy's flower girl! I remember looking at my mom on her wedding day thinking how beautiful she was, her hair, her eyes, her dress - just stunning. She was my idol, I wanted to be just like her and marry a guy just like John one day. After the reception I spent the next 2 weeks with my Grandparents - did i mention that my Grandfather was my life! He was the most wonderful person in the world, no one could compare to him! He will always be the one person in my life that truly touched my heart. *tearing up* as you will read I lost my Grandfather awhile ago, I still am not over it, I guess we never get over losing loved ones.
So when I was about 7 years old, John hit me for the first time and my mother took pictures of the bruises. I really can't remember why he did or how it happened but I remember how old I was. John told my mother how sorry he was that he lost his temper and how horrible he feels and it will never, ever happen again. Of course, in love as she was she believed him, she thought it was a one-time thing - boy was she wrong! Now that I have a child, I still do not understand HOW you let someone hurt your child physically and do nothing about it, I would leave my husband this very day if he hurt our child.
A few years later, my mom and John had a son, lets say his name is Michael. I was so excited to have a brother, I really wanted a sister but hey I figured I would settle for a brother! Not long after Michael came along, the abuse from John towards me became a lot worse, he was never physically abusive to my mother, not at this point anyway.
The following year my Great-Grandmother passed away and my mother had to go to the funeral but someone had to stay with Michael and I so John did.
Here's a poem I wrote for my Greatgrandmother (You will notice that I like to write poems, not very good at them but I will share them with you through out my blog):
'Heaven'
Heaven is a cloud
So beautiful and white
All fantasies come true
There is no wrong and right.
If I die, I hope thats where I go
I'll go in peace, I'll never have woe.
Theres fairies and angels
Puppies and cats
Unicorns and horses
What do you think about that?
I'll go to see my Grandma
She'll watch out for me
I'll go to a garden
That has a magical key.
In this garden
Theres roses without prickles
Theres animals that only ticke.
When I die
I will be old
But when I go to heaven
I will always be young.
Cheesy I know but I was 9! lol
Every thing I did or said that week seemed to upset John and in turn he became abusive towards me, he would hit me in the back of the head, hit me with a belt, hit me with a hanger - pretty much any way he could be abusive he did, not to mention numerous times telling me I was his daughter - for a child that hurts emotionally because I longed for a father and even through the abuse - I loved John, I thought of him as my father.
One day while my mother was away John told me I had to scrub the floor in the kitchen on my hands and knee's (please keep in mind that I was 9 years old) and there was not to be a speck of dirt on the floor. I remember him kicking me repeatedly when I was slacking off, as most 9 year olds would do. I just remember thinking that I wanted my mother to come home, I thought she would be able to make him stop. He went down to the funeral for a couple of days and I was so relieved that he would be gone and I wouldnt have to endure the abuse for a few days at least. When my mother and John got back from the funeral I was so happy to see my mommy, I missed her so much. I didn't tell her what John had done as I was scared that she wouldn't believe me or that he would hurt me even more - I was just so glad that she was home.
One particular episode of abuse stays in my head even though I was so young. I had gone to my neighbours house to play because she got a 'skip-it' (do you remember those?? So cool!!) and I wanted to play with it. I was gone for about 3 hours and upon my return I walked in and John hit me in the back of my head and pulled off his belt. The welts from the belt were so sever that (it was summer) I had to wear turtle necks and long pants. The neighbour suspected something and she asked me over to the house for lunch, when I got there she asked me to reach for a glass for myself and as I did the back of my shurt raised up and she could see the welts from John. She didn't say anything at the time but she went over to my house and spoke to my mother, she told her that they were going camping and wanted to know if I could go with them. I still remember the look on my mothers face, I think she knew that they had suspected that I was being abused. My mother convinced John to let me go and I was so excited to go camping, I had never been so I packed my suitcase and ran over to their house. When I got there, they told me that we wouldn't be going camping but they wanted me to stay at their house with them, lights off and curtains closed. I think she had a talk with my mother because my mother called and spoke to me, she told me she knew we were not camping and that she knew they were 'hiding' me so that I wouldn't get hurt anymore. She told me she had talked to John and he would never hurt me again. By the end of that year my mother and John decided to seperate, not too sure of all the reasons, but I like to think the abuse contributed to her decision. John was originally from Portugal so he moved back to Portugal to pursue his business.
My mother dated a few guys over the next year but nothing serious, she still loved John. She decided to go and visit John in Portugal to try and reconcile. When she came back she told my brother and I that we would be moving to Portugal and her and John were reconciling their marriage, I felt crushed but she ensured me that he had time to think and that he had changed.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Part 2
So I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post more, I feel so emancipated just talking about this and blogging it, so here we go....
My mother became ambitious and decided that she would go back to University to study nursing when I was 4 years old and I would stay with my biological fathers aunt from Monday- Friday and my mother would pick me up on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together until she had to bring me back to their house on Monday. Every Saturday we went out for lunch, anywhere I chose - I still remember those lunches, I felt like such a 'big girl'. I remember one particular lunch when we went to the Bloor Street Diner, very fancy at that time, at least it seemed that way to my 4 year old mind. We had just sat down and the waiter came over and took the cloth napkin out of the glass and laid it on my lap and I freaked out, I started screaming that he was touching my private parts! lol funny as it sounds, thats what my mom told me to do as a child, not to let anyone touch you in that area! I guess it was innocent that he laid the napkin on my lap but to a 4 year old it didn't seem that way - needless to say my mom was a bit embarassed.
The following might be a little scattered but I have tried for many years to try and block it out however only certain parts have been blocked so its sort of all over the place. My mother dropped me off at my aunt's house for the week - it was great in the beginning because I had a cousin who was my age, lets say her name is Wendy and Wendy had an older brother who was 16 years old, lets say his name was Mark.
One day Wendy and I were playing in her room and Mark came in and closed the door behind him. He told Wendy to lie down on the floor and she did, he then pulled her pants down, then her underwear down and brushed her hair out of her face. He then proceeded to go on top of her and I don't want to get graffic but you can imagine what happened after that - I don't remember everything but I will never forget the look on Wendy's face - no emotion at all, not a tear, not a sob, not a sound - she had been so used to this that she knew being silent would make it easier. Mark continued to do this to Wendy for a long time, and he always made me watch when I was there. I remember asking Wendy about it when we were alone and she wouldn't even talk about it, she would pretend she didn't hear me. I couldn't understand why she wouldnt say anything, we were so young but I remember knowing it was very wrong. Mark was her older brother and even though I didn't have an older brother, I knew that he should protect her, not hurt her. This continued to happen for a long time - to this day I don't know if it was weeks or months, in my 4 year old mind it just seemed like an eternity. One day Wendy and I were in her room - funny how you remember things but I remember playing with a Humpty Dumpty toy when Mark came in and Wendy and I became very quiet as we knew what was about to happen but this day was different. This time Wendy lay on the floor and Mark told me to do the same and I told him no I didnt want to but he said I had to or else I would be in trouble-to lay down because we were going to play a fun game, what trouble meant at that time I don't know. I still resisted and started to cry but Mark threw an Aquafresh toothpaste bottle at my head and I don't remember much after that. I do remember saying that I didn;t want to get hurt and he told me it wouldn't hurt, he said "Wendy come here, lets show her it doesn't hurt". Mark then laid down on top of Wendy and this time she sobbed - I still think to this day she sobbed because she knew it was going to happen to me now, so I did as he said but I still remember crying and knowing that if I just listened he wouldn't throw anything at me again. So I laid down on the ground beside Wendy, she was still sobbing and he told me to pull my pants and underwear down and I did. All I remember after that is picturing him coming on top of me and I cannot remember anything after that, my psychologist said that I have blocked it from my mind from being traumatized at such a young age. I do remember crying after and feeling so much pain and not knowing why he was so cruel to us, why he hurt us so bad.
When Wendy's mother came home later that day I ran to her and told her that something bad had happened that day and I wanted to talk to my mom. She told me that my mom would call later and I could talk to her then but she asked me what happened. I told her what Mark had done and that Mark had been doing this t Wendy for a long time. She seemed very concerned and called Wendy in to the room, Mark had been out with his friends. She asked Wendy if Mark had been hurting her and Wendy said 'no'. I was so confused, I tried to tell Wendy to tell the truth but she didn't, she said I was lying and she just looked at me with a blank stare, no emotion at all. Her mother called my mom later that day and told her that I had been stirring the pot at their house and trying to get Mark in trouble, she told my mother I was a very disturbed child and she wanted to know where I learned about these things. I don't remember how long I stayed at her house for but I do remember being there for awhile after and it continued to happen to Wendy but Mark never touched me again. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she always kind of blew me off, it seemed like I would talk to her about it and she would say 'oh, you shouldn't say those things, its not nice to accuse people of those bad things'. I do remember seeing a psychiatrist at a young age but not sure what happened out of it. I don't know if my mother brought me to a psychiatrist because she believed me or because she thought I was making up horrible lies. At a later age, 13 I believe, I tried to bring it up to my mom and her response was that I told her "Mark tried to kiss me", what the hell?? Where did that come from?? That was bullshit! I know for a fact I tried to tell her, did she think that I would just forget that this happened? That I would somehow erase it all from my mind? To this day I think a part of me still resents her for not listening to me, and for not doing anything about it.
Wow that really was hard to put in writing but I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest in this way. Stay tuned for more, and thank you for reading!
My mother became ambitious and decided that she would go back to University to study nursing when I was 4 years old and I would stay with my biological fathers aunt from Monday- Friday and my mother would pick me up on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together until she had to bring me back to their house on Monday. Every Saturday we went out for lunch, anywhere I chose - I still remember those lunches, I felt like such a 'big girl'. I remember one particular lunch when we went to the Bloor Street Diner, very fancy at that time, at least it seemed that way to my 4 year old mind. We had just sat down and the waiter came over and took the cloth napkin out of the glass and laid it on my lap and I freaked out, I started screaming that he was touching my private parts! lol funny as it sounds, thats what my mom told me to do as a child, not to let anyone touch you in that area! I guess it was innocent that he laid the napkin on my lap but to a 4 year old it didn't seem that way - needless to say my mom was a bit embarassed.
The following might be a little scattered but I have tried for many years to try and block it out however only certain parts have been blocked so its sort of all over the place. My mother dropped me off at my aunt's house for the week - it was great in the beginning because I had a cousin who was my age, lets say her name is Wendy and Wendy had an older brother who was 16 years old, lets say his name was Mark.
One day Wendy and I were playing in her room and Mark came in and closed the door behind him. He told Wendy to lie down on the floor and she did, he then pulled her pants down, then her underwear down and brushed her hair out of her face. He then proceeded to go on top of her and I don't want to get graffic but you can imagine what happened after that - I don't remember everything but I will never forget the look on Wendy's face - no emotion at all, not a tear, not a sob, not a sound - she had been so used to this that she knew being silent would make it easier. Mark continued to do this to Wendy for a long time, and he always made me watch when I was there. I remember asking Wendy about it when we were alone and she wouldn't even talk about it, she would pretend she didn't hear me. I couldn't understand why she wouldnt say anything, we were so young but I remember knowing it was very wrong. Mark was her older brother and even though I didn't have an older brother, I knew that he should protect her, not hurt her. This continued to happen for a long time - to this day I don't know if it was weeks or months, in my 4 year old mind it just seemed like an eternity. One day Wendy and I were in her room - funny how you remember things but I remember playing with a Humpty Dumpty toy when Mark came in and Wendy and I became very quiet as we knew what was about to happen but this day was different. This time Wendy lay on the floor and Mark told me to do the same and I told him no I didnt want to but he said I had to or else I would be in trouble-to lay down because we were going to play a fun game, what trouble meant at that time I don't know. I still resisted and started to cry but Mark threw an Aquafresh toothpaste bottle at my head and I don't remember much after that. I do remember saying that I didn;t want to get hurt and he told me it wouldn't hurt, he said "Wendy come here, lets show her it doesn't hurt". Mark then laid down on top of Wendy and this time she sobbed - I still think to this day she sobbed because she knew it was going to happen to me now, so I did as he said but I still remember crying and knowing that if I just listened he wouldn't throw anything at me again. So I laid down on the ground beside Wendy, she was still sobbing and he told me to pull my pants and underwear down and I did. All I remember after that is picturing him coming on top of me and I cannot remember anything after that, my psychologist said that I have blocked it from my mind from being traumatized at such a young age. I do remember crying after and feeling so much pain and not knowing why he was so cruel to us, why he hurt us so bad.
When Wendy's mother came home later that day I ran to her and told her that something bad had happened that day and I wanted to talk to my mom. She told me that my mom would call later and I could talk to her then but she asked me what happened. I told her what Mark had done and that Mark had been doing this t Wendy for a long time. She seemed very concerned and called Wendy in to the room, Mark had been out with his friends. She asked Wendy if Mark had been hurting her and Wendy said 'no'. I was so confused, I tried to tell Wendy to tell the truth but she didn't, she said I was lying and she just looked at me with a blank stare, no emotion at all. Her mother called my mom later that day and told her that I had been stirring the pot at their house and trying to get Mark in trouble, she told my mother I was a very disturbed child and she wanted to know where I learned about these things. I don't remember how long I stayed at her house for but I do remember being there for awhile after and it continued to happen to Wendy but Mark never touched me again. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she always kind of blew me off, it seemed like I would talk to her about it and she would say 'oh, you shouldn't say those things, its not nice to accuse people of those bad things'. I do remember seeing a psychiatrist at a young age but not sure what happened out of it. I don't know if my mother brought me to a psychiatrist because she believed me or because she thought I was making up horrible lies. At a later age, 13 I believe, I tried to bring it up to my mom and her response was that I told her "Mark tried to kiss me", what the hell?? Where did that come from?? That was bullshit! I know for a fact I tried to tell her, did she think that I would just forget that this happened? That I would somehow erase it all from my mind? To this day I think a part of me still resents her for not listening to me, and for not doing anything about it.
Wow that really was hard to put in writing but I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest in this way. Stay tuned for more, and thank you for reading!
The hand I was dealt
I have been wanting to do this for such a long time but never mustered up the courage but in the light of the while Rihanna/Chris Brown issue I felt like it is time to try and reach as many people as possible.
I am in my late 20's and what a life it has been so far, the up's have been great but the down's have been mind-altering. Unfortunately when these things happen it can effect us forever in our daily lives and especially when we are alone, I find this is the hardest time for me I find, when I am lying in bed and my better half is sleeping - my mind seems to race and my thoughts are uncontrollable. I know I am not the only one in life that has had these things happen but I do believe talking or blogging actually will help in my healing process and maybe I will touch some people's lives and help them in their healing process, I figure if I could help 1 person I have accomplished something great!
Recently I started seeing a Psychologist about my problems and when he asked me why I was there I truly didn't know where to start, it seems like I could talk for hours but only had 1 hour to tell him everything so I found myself rambling and I was all over the place but when I was done he asked me 'How did that feel? Letting it all out?' and i didn't realize how good it would have felt but after holding it in for over 20 years, I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I hope to feel even better about this from blogging and hopefully help a few people along the way.
There is so much for me to blog about that I am going to write on here daily but I will start from my early age and daily I will update as I get older. So a snapshot of what to come - I will be blogging about sexual abuse, physical abuse as a child and as an adult, emotional abuse, relationship and family abuse, not knowing and not having a relationship with a father, strained relationship with a mother and 4 years of being stuck in a relationship with all forms of abuse including physical, emotional and being sexually degraded.
I wish to remain anonymous as there are too many people out there that tend to judge us and a few people I do not want to hurt.
So where do I start, my mother got married at a very young age (17 years old) to her high school sweetheart and the relationship soon became abusive, both physically and emotionally. After a year of marriage my mother got pregnant with me and was so ecstatic to have a child. After about 2 years of enduring abuse after I was born my mother decided to leave my father, and set out to live a life as a single mom - determined to do so despite how hard it was going to be. Unfortunately my father didn't play a big part in my life, never really did but as you will read later on, I did try at one point to have this relationship. My mother tried to allow my father to see me even though she had sole-custody, but it didnt seem like he wanted anything to do with me as a daughter. He had remarried and was raising 3 children that were not his but his biological daughter wasn't in his eyes good enough to be a part of his life. So after a visit with him at the age of 4 he dropped me at my mothers door step and I didnt see nor hear from him again until I was 16 years old. I sent him numerous cards, letters, pictures etc but never got a response. Being a parent myself now, I cannot understand how you would want nothing to do with your child?? I love my child so unconditionally and cannot imagine life without him/her and to boot he was raising someone else's 3 children so it wasn't that he didn't want children in his life, he was just an asshole I guess!
I am in my late 20's and what a life it has been so far, the up's have been great but the down's have been mind-altering. Unfortunately when these things happen it can effect us forever in our daily lives and especially when we are alone, I find this is the hardest time for me I find, when I am lying in bed and my better half is sleeping - my mind seems to race and my thoughts are uncontrollable. I know I am not the only one in life that has had these things happen but I do believe talking or blogging actually will help in my healing process and maybe I will touch some people's lives and help them in their healing process, I figure if I could help 1 person I have accomplished something great!
Recently I started seeing a Psychologist about my problems and when he asked me why I was there I truly didn't know where to start, it seems like I could talk for hours but only had 1 hour to tell him everything so I found myself rambling and I was all over the place but when I was done he asked me 'How did that feel? Letting it all out?' and i didn't realize how good it would have felt but after holding it in for over 20 years, I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I hope to feel even better about this from blogging and hopefully help a few people along the way.
There is so much for me to blog about that I am going to write on here daily but I will start from my early age and daily I will update as I get older. So a snapshot of what to come - I will be blogging about sexual abuse, physical abuse as a child and as an adult, emotional abuse, relationship and family abuse, not knowing and not having a relationship with a father, strained relationship with a mother and 4 years of being stuck in a relationship with all forms of abuse including physical, emotional and being sexually degraded.
I wish to remain anonymous as there are too many people out there that tend to judge us and a few people I do not want to hurt.
So where do I start, my mother got married at a very young age (17 years old) to her high school sweetheart and the relationship soon became abusive, both physically and emotionally. After a year of marriage my mother got pregnant with me and was so ecstatic to have a child. After about 2 years of enduring abuse after I was born my mother decided to leave my father, and set out to live a life as a single mom - determined to do so despite how hard it was going to be. Unfortunately my father didn't play a big part in my life, never really did but as you will read later on, I did try at one point to have this relationship. My mother tried to allow my father to see me even though she had sole-custody, but it didnt seem like he wanted anything to do with me as a daughter. He had remarried and was raising 3 children that were not his but his biological daughter wasn't in his eyes good enough to be a part of his life. So after a visit with him at the age of 4 he dropped me at my mothers door step and I didnt see nor hear from him again until I was 16 years old. I sent him numerous cards, letters, pictures etc but never got a response. Being a parent myself now, I cannot understand how you would want nothing to do with your child?? I love my child so unconditionally and cannot imagine life without him/her and to boot he was raising someone else's 3 children so it wasn't that he didn't want children in his life, he was just an asshole I guess!
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