Part 2

So I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post more, I feel so emancipated just talking about this and blogging it, so here we go....

My mother became ambitious and decided that she would go back to University to study nursing when I was 4 years old and I would stay with my biological fathers aunt from Monday- Friday and my mother would pick me up on Fridays and we would spend the weekend together until she had to bring me back to their house on Monday. Every Saturday we went out for lunch, anywhere I chose - I still remember those lunches, I felt like such a 'big girl'. I remember one particular lunch when we went to the Bloor Street Diner, very fancy at that time, at least it seemed that way to my 4 year old mind. We had just sat down and the waiter came over and took the cloth napkin out of the glass and laid it on my lap and I freaked out, I started screaming that he was touching my private parts! lol funny as it sounds, thats what my mom told me to do as a child, not to let anyone touch you in that area! I guess it was innocent that he laid the napkin on my lap but to a 4 year old it didn't seem that way - needless to say my mom was a bit embarassed.

The following might be a little scattered but I have tried for many years to try and block it out however only certain parts have been blocked so its sort of all over the place. My mother dropped me off at my aunt's house for the week - it was great in the beginning because I had a cousin who was my age, lets say her name is Wendy and Wendy had an older brother who was 16 years old, lets say his name was Mark.
One day Wendy and I were playing in her room and Mark came in and closed the door behind him. He told Wendy to lie down on the floor and she did, he then pulled her pants down, then her underwear down and brushed her hair out of her face. He then proceeded to go on top of her and I don't want to get graffic but you can imagine what happened after that - I don't remember everything but I will never forget the look on Wendy's face - no emotion at all, not a tear, not a sob, not a sound - she had been so used to this that she knew being silent would make it easier. Mark continued to do this to Wendy for a long time, and he always made me watch when I was there. I remember asking Wendy about it when we were alone and she wouldn't even talk about it, she would pretend she didn't hear me. I couldn't understand why she wouldnt say anything, we were so young but I remember knowing it was very wrong. Mark was her older brother and even though I didn't have an older brother, I knew that he should protect her, not hurt her. This continued to happen for a long time - to this day I don't know if it was weeks or months, in my 4 year old mind it just seemed like an eternity. One day Wendy and I were in her room - funny how you remember things but I remember playing with a Humpty Dumpty toy when Mark came in and Wendy and I became very quiet as we knew what was about to happen but this day was different. This time Wendy lay on the floor and Mark told me to do the same and I told him no I didnt want to but he said I had to or else I would be in trouble-to lay down because we were going to play a fun game, what trouble meant at that time I don't know. I still resisted and started to cry but Mark threw an Aquafresh toothpaste bottle at my head and I don't remember much after that. I do remember saying that I didn;t want to get hurt and he told me it wouldn't hurt, he said "Wendy come here, lets show her it doesn't hurt". Mark then laid down on top of Wendy and this time she sobbed - I still think to this day she sobbed because she knew it was going to happen to me now, so I did as he said but I still remember crying and knowing that if I just listened he wouldn't throw anything at me again. So I laid down on the ground beside Wendy, she was still sobbing and he told me to pull my pants and underwear down and I did. All I remember after that is picturing him coming on top of me and I cannot remember anything after that, my psychologist said that I have blocked it from my mind from being traumatized at such a young age. I do remember crying after and feeling so much pain and not knowing why he was so cruel to us, why he hurt us so bad.
When Wendy's mother came home later that day I ran to her and told her that something bad had happened that day and I wanted to talk to my mom. She told me that my mom would call later and I could talk to her then but she asked me what happened. I told her what Mark had done and that Mark had been doing this t Wendy for a long time. She seemed very concerned and called Wendy in to the room, Mark had been out with his friends. She asked Wendy if Mark had been hurting her and Wendy said 'no'. I was so confused, I tried to tell Wendy to tell the truth but she didn't, she said I was lying and she just looked at me with a blank stare, no emotion at all. Her mother called my mom later that day and told her that I had been stirring the pot at their house and trying to get Mark in trouble, she told my mother I was a very disturbed child and she wanted to know where I learned about these things. I don't remember how long I stayed at her house for but I do remember being there for awhile after and it continued to happen to Wendy but Mark never touched me again. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she always kind of blew me off, it seemed like I would talk to her about it and she would say 'oh, you shouldn't say those things, its not nice to accuse people of those bad things'. I do remember seeing a psychiatrist at a young age but not sure what happened out of it. I don't know if my mother brought me to a psychiatrist because she believed me or because she thought I was making up horrible lies. At a later age, 13 I believe, I tried to bring it up to my mom and her response was that I told her "Mark tried to kiss me", what the hell?? Where did that come from?? That was bullshit! I know for a fact I tried to tell her, did she think that I would just forget that this happened? That I would somehow erase it all from my mind? To this day I think a part of me still resents her for not listening to me, and for not doing anything about it.
Wow that really was hard to put in writing but I feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest in this way. Stay tuned for more, and thank you for reading!