So as the time went on Nick grew more abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually.
I remember lying in bed at times wondering why I was being punished? How could I escape this life I was in, I was so scared to leave because he had threatened to kill me if I left and he would make my family's life miserable.
Theres no feeling worse then feeling like you are stuck in a life that is only going to get worse, or possibly end. Do you know how it feels to be totally, utterly inlove with someone and fear them at the same time? To feel like you always want to be with them but to also be scared that at any moment they could snap or turn on you? To be forced to have sex with someone you love even if you are not in the mood, sad or upset? To be having sex with someone while you sob tears and have actual physical pain from being so tense and having this forced on you? To have someone you love disrespect your family and you feel like you can't stop them? I remember times when he would tell me he was going out with his friends and I would beg him to stay with me because I didn't want to be alone and he would tell me to stay in the basement and not come up until he got home. I remember one particular instance when we were sitting on a bench on the street talking and his friend drove by and asked him to go to a club with him - Nick agreed and jumped in the car and left, he left me sitting there!
I think he had an inclination that he was pushing me to the brink of leaving so he convinced me to have joint bank accounts where my pay went in, so basically I had no money to myself to leave if I really wanted to. At the time I would smoke cigarettes which (some may not understamd) but helped me cope when I just needed time to myself I would go outside and have a cig. He would take those from me as a form of controlling me. He would take my bank card when I wasn't looking and hide it.
In the Winter of the year I turned 20, I dislocated my knee and was taken to emergency. I was given crutches and sent home to heal and would see an orthopedic surgeon in the next few weeks. Well the next day Nick and I were driving and we got in to an argument - after him screaming and me trying to calm him down, he pulled over the car and told me to get out - in the cold, in the snow and with crutches and I walked home - normally without injured knees probably a 35 minute walk. Just one of the many things he did that seemed so cruel coming from someone you love.
I know many people like to blame the woman for staying with an abuser - but if you are married/invlolved and you love your significant other - just imagine having to leave them. When you feel that you are inlove you think that you could never love anyone else.
Also, as any woman who has been abused can tell you - abusers are very manipulative and can convince you that they will change, that its the last time etc etc etc AND you belive it. Not to mention the fact that he took all my money and my family lived hours away. I was too ashamed to tell friends so I felt stuck, I felt like this was The Hand I was Dealt and I had to live with it.
I do not think that I am to blame for staying and I totally understand how other women stay, its like Stockholm sydrome - you love the person who abuses you or captures you and you simply are scared to leave or a part of you doesn't want to leave. He would tell me that I was fat (please bear in mind I weighed about 110lbs) and ugly, and no one would love me like he did - I could list the things he said to convince me but its all the same. It is human nature to try and forgive people, thats what I did each time he hurt me. I was scared to leave and end it, I was young and I didnt know where to go or who to turn to. Some people might think that these are all excuses for staying but I truly believed that I could not leave.
I was always an avid baker - since I was a kid, I loved it. So the following Halloween I baked about 50 cupcakes for our co-workers (Nick and I worked together - not sure if I mentioned that) and I thought it was a nice gesture and a reason to bake. Nick watched me bake them the night before the 'incident' and he even ate a few - so did I! The morning of Halloween we got ready for work as normal, everything seemed fine so I got the cupcakes on to a tray, put my boots and coat on and headed to the car. Suddenly Nick came out and asked 'Why exactly did you bake those cupcakes? Was it for all the guys at work? Only a whore would do that'. I looked at him and told him ofcourse that was not the reason and I asked him what was wrong, why had he changed all of a sudden. He walked right over to me and threw the tray of cupcakes on the driveway. His mom had heard the commotion and she was standing at the front door. I managed to jump in to the car and I tried to lock the door but he got a hold of my arm and he tore the sleeve right off - the sleeve actually detached from the coat as he dragged me on to the lawn. He started to kick me and call me a whore, slut, etc. There were neighbours standing at their dorrs watching and no one did anything. His mother also stood and watched and did nothing. I ended up getting up while he turned to his mother and spoke in Farsi, and I ran in to the basement. He came running after me and his mother followed him. I honestly just remember being thrown from wall to wall - each time feeling my head smash on the wall. I fell to the ground finally because his mother was tugging on his arm telling him that was enough - very calmly in their language, Farsi. He went upstairs with her and I just knew I had to get out, but I didn't know where to go. I grabbed my wallet and cell phone and I ran out the door and stood at the bus stop - it was freezing out, I had no coat as he just destroyed mine and it was snowing, bad. The bus came fairly quickly and I got on it and took it downtown and as I was on the bus I was trying to think of who I could call. I decided to go to a store downtown and purchase a cheap coat, I only had about $20 cash and Nick had already taken my bank card out of my wallet - go figure. So I purchased a cheap coat - not very warm and I decided to call my aunt who lived and worked downtown. I couldn't get a single word out because I was crying so hard - as soon as she answered I couldnt help but cry. I eventually told her I needed to see her and I met her at her workplace. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her house key and meet her at her house. I waited for her and all I could do was cry. But interestingly enough - I was thinking of Nick and wondering if he was worrying where I was, had he missed work, was he late for work? Although he had put me through this - I still thought of him first. I went in to my aunts bathroom and looked in the mirror and wiped my mascara off my face and as I lifted my arm I noticed a huge bruise on my arm, so I searched the rest of my body and I had very large bruises on my arm, torso and legs. Although Nick had been abusive previously there never was a mark left, this time was different. My aunt insisted on taking pictures for future referance. My cousin was only 2 at the time and really wanted to go out trick - or -treating so we took him, I couldn't help but have a few melt downs while we were out and I remember him looking up at me and saying 'Why you so sad?'.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Post 9 - Long awaited I know....
Well I have been struggling with blogging because it all started to get to me but I figured I have people that want to read more so here it goes.
Nick and I fell inlove very hard and very fast. He seemed like everything in a man I could ever have wanted. He was good looking, came from a good family I thought, he had a steady job, nice car, had a college degree, and he treated me like a princess and seemed to hold me up on a pedestal. I decided to move closer to him which meant moving in with my mom which was hard for me since I had left her house awhile back and felt a sense of independance but I wanted to be closer to Nick. Every time I had to get on the bus and leave him broke my heart and his. So I made the move and moved back in to my moms house, it seemed to go ok for awhile. Nick and I spent a lot of time together, we were inseperable. After being together for about 3 months he asked me to marry him - crazy huh?? Ya but it felt right, I was young and naive but I thought I had met my soulmate so why wouldn't I get married right?? Who cares if I was 19! Well when I told my mom she cried - she said she didn't want me to make the same mistake she did by getting married young and having a child young. His mother on the other hand freaked out that he proposed to me? Understandably I guess - her son had only known me for 3 months? But instead of taking her anguish out on his - she told me I had forced him and that I only wanted the ring (it was 1 carat - nothing extravagant!) so I proved her wrong. I went to the jewellers and returned it and got a ring that was barely 1/4 carat and showed it to her and all of a sudden she was fine with us being engaged. I should have known then that there would be issues in the future. She automatically started telling me that it would be best that I converted to Islamic faith. Now being a devoute (SP?) Catholic I wasn't about to change my religion but I did decide to try and adapt more of their Islamic culture - I started to learn the language, cook the food and learn some of their traditions. This made his mother happier but not quite happy, she still was convinced that I would become Muslim before the wedding - she was very wrong, this was never my intention.
Things started to turn a dark corner about 6 months in to our relationship. I still lived with my mom and he started to have fights with his parents because they didnt approve of me - the truth came out. I came from a 'broken home' (my parents being divorced), I was not good enough because I hadnt gone to college and since I was caucasian - to them I had no culture or upbringing?? Ok this is just wrong, I knew that so I expressed to Nick that I didnt agree with these statements, I was a good person no matter what faith I was or what culture I was brought up in. This started to build tension between us and he started to argue with his family. They eventually decided that I was no longer allowed in their home and until he left me he was no longer allowed in their home. So he stayed at my moms house with me but this didnt last very long, he started to ask me to steal money from my mother, use her bank card while she was asleep etc. Well my mother figured this out and kicked him out. So we were back to square one again - me living with my mom and him living at his parents. After a few months his parents decided that since he was going to stay engaged to me they would accept me in their family (but not civilly). They invited Nick and I to live in their basement which was finished and we were to get married asap since we were living together. We moved in to their basement and started to discuss marriage etc. After about 2 months things grew very bad, very fast.
After about 2 months living together I felt very sick, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't stand up straight so Nick took me to the ER, after some tests the doctor came in with the results, I was pregnant. I broke down - what did I know at 19 about being a mother? I didn't have a career - I had a part-time job, neither of us were financially stable and Nick was starting to become very possessive and jealous. I called my mother from the ER at about 10pm and told her the news - her response was "you're pregnant? Ok well I'm sleeping now, we will talk tomorrow and she hung up". No support from her at all! I was so scared and Nick was also scared. We didn't tell his parents I was pregnant because we didn't know what we were going to do. Well Nick thought he knew - I was going to get an abortion, thats what he assumed right away. This sent red flags up for me, he didn't even discuss the option of me keeping it at all but said it was up to me although he pressured me otherwise. I saw the clinic regarding abortions, I didn't want to put the baby up for adoption since I couldn't live with knowing that I had a child out there somewhere my entire life. Part of me wanted this baby so bad, I never believed in abortion, I thought it was the cowards way out. We decided to tell Nicks Aunt who was very nice to us and she told me that either way she would support us with our decision and she wouldnt tell his parents.
It took me 2 months to finally decide to go ahead with the abortion. I couldnt make the decision, I didn't want to do it but in that 2 months Nick had started becoming verbally abusive and started to grab my arm roughly if I (as he would say) talk back. He had started to become jealous, possessive, and mean. If we were driving and I looked out the window - he said I was staring at other men. Little things like this made me think that I couldn't bring a baby in to this life, it wouldn't be good for them, but I thought he could change so I stayed with him and decided to go ahead with the abortion.
Nick drove me to the clinic in the morning and I was petrified, I was so torn and felt so guilty but something in my heart told me it was the right thing to do and I made a promise to myself that if I did this, I would never do it again even if I got pregnant again right away. I went in to the clinic on my own and sat in the waiting room and listened as women explained that they had been there many times, 1 lady said this was her 5th abortion, I was disgusted, I couldn't beleive that she could live with herself after using this as a form of birth control. I got called in to the room and was asked to undress and lie down on the table. As I lay on the table and looked at all the machines, I felt an immense sadness come over me, how could I have gotten myself in to this mess? The lady explained the procedure and started to begin - the pain was excruciating but I thought it was my punishment for doing this to my unborn child. I screamed from the pain, crying and asking them to stop but they wouldn't - as nice as the nurse was I still felt she was cruel for doing this. How many babies did she murder every day? I know its ultimately the womens choice but I felt like she was advocating it, making it ok. After the procedure was complete they wheeled me in to a rest area and I waited for about an hour and I was told I could leave, Nick was waiting outside. I went home and rested and asked Nick to take me for a drive, I needed fresh air. Well it was night and we drove to the beahc where we went often to unwind and talk. As we parked he leaned over and started to kiss me, then his hands went down south and he started to try and have sex with me! I couldn't beleive it, I told him I was in pain but he told me it would be ok and that I 'owed' this to him, so we had sex. It was the most painful thing I had experienced, I cried the entire time and he didn't seem to be bothered by me crying. I felt so hurt that he made me do this and I immediately felt like he had violated me. I didn't talk to him the entire drive home. When we got to his house his mother was sitting at the dining room table and told us to come and sit down with her. We sat down and she told us that his Aunt had told her that we were going for an abortion today and she right away told me that it was my fault that I had had sex before marriage and that I was being punished! Great to hear after having an abortion then being forced to have sex right after? I should have know at that moment that I needed to get out of that family but I didn't, I stayed for 3 more years.
As the months went on Nick became more abusive verbally and physically. The first time he hit me was in his car. We got in to an argument about his parents not approving of me and he slapped me across my face and in defense I screamed at him which enraged him even more and he got out of the car and I jumped in the backseat to get away from him but he opened the door and started punching me, over and over again but never left a bruise. He told me I was white trash, a whore and my family were all whores and fags, it was so awful the things he said. I told him once he stopped hitting me that I was going to leave him, he then took my passport out of my purse and ripped the pages out, he took my license and snapped it in half along with my social insurance card - his way I guess of making me stay. He then took my shoes off as I kicked and screamed and kicked me out of the car and told me to walk home which I did in bare feet. When I got home, he was telling his parents how much of a whore I was, I don't know where he got that since I had and always was faithful to him. His mother told me it was my fault that I had 'talked back' and I deserved everything I got. I went in to our room and cried, I was too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family and I just cried myself to sleep. The next morning Nick came in and started to appologize, telling me he was just under so much stress from his parents that he snapped. He promised he would never do that again and understood if I wanted to leave but if I didn he didn't think he would be able to live without me. Of course, the naive 20 year old I was I stayed, I figured he would change, oh boy was I wrong.
Nick and I fell inlove very hard and very fast. He seemed like everything in a man I could ever have wanted. He was good looking, came from a good family I thought, he had a steady job, nice car, had a college degree, and he treated me like a princess and seemed to hold me up on a pedestal. I decided to move closer to him which meant moving in with my mom which was hard for me since I had left her house awhile back and felt a sense of independance but I wanted to be closer to Nick. Every time I had to get on the bus and leave him broke my heart and his. So I made the move and moved back in to my moms house, it seemed to go ok for awhile. Nick and I spent a lot of time together, we were inseperable. After being together for about 3 months he asked me to marry him - crazy huh?? Ya but it felt right, I was young and naive but I thought I had met my soulmate so why wouldn't I get married right?? Who cares if I was 19! Well when I told my mom she cried - she said she didn't want me to make the same mistake she did by getting married young and having a child young. His mother on the other hand freaked out that he proposed to me? Understandably I guess - her son had only known me for 3 months? But instead of taking her anguish out on his - she told me I had forced him and that I only wanted the ring (it was 1 carat - nothing extravagant!) so I proved her wrong. I went to the jewellers and returned it and got a ring that was barely 1/4 carat and showed it to her and all of a sudden she was fine with us being engaged. I should have known then that there would be issues in the future. She automatically started telling me that it would be best that I converted to Islamic faith. Now being a devoute (SP?) Catholic I wasn't about to change my religion but I did decide to try and adapt more of their Islamic culture - I started to learn the language, cook the food and learn some of their traditions. This made his mother happier but not quite happy, she still was convinced that I would become Muslim before the wedding - she was very wrong, this was never my intention.
Things started to turn a dark corner about 6 months in to our relationship. I still lived with my mom and he started to have fights with his parents because they didnt approve of me - the truth came out. I came from a 'broken home' (my parents being divorced), I was not good enough because I hadnt gone to college and since I was caucasian - to them I had no culture or upbringing?? Ok this is just wrong, I knew that so I expressed to Nick that I didnt agree with these statements, I was a good person no matter what faith I was or what culture I was brought up in. This started to build tension between us and he started to argue with his family. They eventually decided that I was no longer allowed in their home and until he left me he was no longer allowed in their home. So he stayed at my moms house with me but this didnt last very long, he started to ask me to steal money from my mother, use her bank card while she was asleep etc. Well my mother figured this out and kicked him out. So we were back to square one again - me living with my mom and him living at his parents. After a few months his parents decided that since he was going to stay engaged to me they would accept me in their family (but not civilly). They invited Nick and I to live in their basement which was finished and we were to get married asap since we were living together. We moved in to their basement and started to discuss marriage etc. After about 2 months things grew very bad, very fast.
After about 2 months living together I felt very sick, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't stand up straight so Nick took me to the ER, after some tests the doctor came in with the results, I was pregnant. I broke down - what did I know at 19 about being a mother? I didn't have a career - I had a part-time job, neither of us were financially stable and Nick was starting to become very possessive and jealous. I called my mother from the ER at about 10pm and told her the news - her response was "you're pregnant? Ok well I'm sleeping now, we will talk tomorrow and she hung up". No support from her at all! I was so scared and Nick was also scared. We didn't tell his parents I was pregnant because we didn't know what we were going to do. Well Nick thought he knew - I was going to get an abortion, thats what he assumed right away. This sent red flags up for me, he didn't even discuss the option of me keeping it at all but said it was up to me although he pressured me otherwise. I saw the clinic regarding abortions, I didn't want to put the baby up for adoption since I couldn't live with knowing that I had a child out there somewhere my entire life. Part of me wanted this baby so bad, I never believed in abortion, I thought it was the cowards way out. We decided to tell Nicks Aunt who was very nice to us and she told me that either way she would support us with our decision and she wouldnt tell his parents.
It took me 2 months to finally decide to go ahead with the abortion. I couldnt make the decision, I didn't want to do it but in that 2 months Nick had started becoming verbally abusive and started to grab my arm roughly if I (as he would say) talk back. He had started to become jealous, possessive, and mean. If we were driving and I looked out the window - he said I was staring at other men. Little things like this made me think that I couldn't bring a baby in to this life, it wouldn't be good for them, but I thought he could change so I stayed with him and decided to go ahead with the abortion.
Nick drove me to the clinic in the morning and I was petrified, I was so torn and felt so guilty but something in my heart told me it was the right thing to do and I made a promise to myself that if I did this, I would never do it again even if I got pregnant again right away. I went in to the clinic on my own and sat in the waiting room and listened as women explained that they had been there many times, 1 lady said this was her 5th abortion, I was disgusted, I couldn't beleive that she could live with herself after using this as a form of birth control. I got called in to the room and was asked to undress and lie down on the table. As I lay on the table and looked at all the machines, I felt an immense sadness come over me, how could I have gotten myself in to this mess? The lady explained the procedure and started to begin - the pain was excruciating but I thought it was my punishment for doing this to my unborn child. I screamed from the pain, crying and asking them to stop but they wouldn't - as nice as the nurse was I still felt she was cruel for doing this. How many babies did she murder every day? I know its ultimately the womens choice but I felt like she was advocating it, making it ok. After the procedure was complete they wheeled me in to a rest area and I waited for about an hour and I was told I could leave, Nick was waiting outside. I went home and rested and asked Nick to take me for a drive, I needed fresh air. Well it was night and we drove to the beahc where we went often to unwind and talk. As we parked he leaned over and started to kiss me, then his hands went down south and he started to try and have sex with me! I couldn't beleive it, I told him I was in pain but he told me it would be ok and that I 'owed' this to him, so we had sex. It was the most painful thing I had experienced, I cried the entire time and he didn't seem to be bothered by me crying. I felt so hurt that he made me do this and I immediately felt like he had violated me. I didn't talk to him the entire drive home. When we got to his house his mother was sitting at the dining room table and told us to come and sit down with her. We sat down and she told us that his Aunt had told her that we were going for an abortion today and she right away told me that it was my fault that I had had sex before marriage and that I was being punished! Great to hear after having an abortion then being forced to have sex right after? I should have know at that moment that I needed to get out of that family but I didn't, I stayed for 3 more years.
As the months went on Nick became more abusive verbally and physically. The first time he hit me was in his car. We got in to an argument about his parents not approving of me and he slapped me across my face and in defense I screamed at him which enraged him even more and he got out of the car and I jumped in the backseat to get away from him but he opened the door and started punching me, over and over again but never left a bruise. He told me I was white trash, a whore and my family were all whores and fags, it was so awful the things he said. I told him once he stopped hitting me that I was going to leave him, he then took my passport out of my purse and ripped the pages out, he took my license and snapped it in half along with my social insurance card - his way I guess of making me stay. He then took my shoes off as I kicked and screamed and kicked me out of the car and told me to walk home which I did in bare feet. When I got home, he was telling his parents how much of a whore I was, I don't know where he got that since I had and always was faithful to him. His mother told me it was my fault that I had 'talked back' and I deserved everything I got. I went in to our room and cried, I was too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family and I just cried myself to sleep. The next morning Nick came in and started to appologize, telling me he was just under so much stress from his parents that he snapped. He promised he would never do that again and understood if I wanted to leave but if I didn he didn't think he would be able to live without me. Of course, the naive 20 year old I was I stayed, I figured he would change, oh boy was I wrong.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Part 8
The first few weeks at my fathers seemed to be exactly what I needed, I finally after 18 years felt complete, I felt like I had a dad now, one that wasn't going to abuse me, one who loved me and who was my biological father, I didn't quite feel the connection that a father-daughter should have but it would come, wouldn't it?
I started to work at a local club and I loved it, the scene was fun, lots of guys around! This was eye-candy for an 18 year old. I started meeting guys but stayed very focused on other things so didn't really date anyone. I met a few guys that I was interested in but they were either much older or younger, I wasn't in to younger guys, which 18 year old girl is?? The attention I got at the club really was addicting, I felt like a starlett walking through the club each night, like I was the centre of attention (not to toot my own horn but I have always been somewhat attractive so I started to feel more confidence). After my shift I would go across the street to another club and dance the night away, I made friends with the DJ there and I would dance in a 'cage' type thing - I guess you could call it go-go dancing, but all clothes remained on!
My fathers step-son offered to take me on the town for the night and show me around some new places and I agreed. He was about 3 years older than I was so I agreed. We went to a movie, and a few bars in town. Then we went back to his house to watch another movie and we were sitting on his bed watching the movie when he came behind me on the couch and got super-cozy. I didn't really know what to do at that point so I kind of just went with him and we ended up having sex that night, I totally didn't want to and don't get me wrong, he didnt force me but I felt like I couldn't or didnt say no. The next day I felt really weird, I mean he wasn't blood related but he was my fathers step-son. I told his sister what had happened and she told me that she knew he liked me but didn't think he would make a pass at me so soon. I didn't really talk to him much after that because I kind of felt pressured in to it at the time even though it ultimately was my decision to go ahead.
Things at home started to get a bit awry. I started noticing things about my father that I did not like. He was constantly viewing porn on the communal computer in the living room and if I came in the room he continued to watch it?!? Weird right? He then started taking my paychecks and giving me a portion of it and said that I needed to pay room and board?? Ok he never bought me a thing in my life, never paid child support and you'd think he would want to make up for lost time, right? Nope, not in his eyes. So I started hiding my tips so that I would have some 'walking money'.
My mother called one day to tell me that my Grandfather had had a heart attack and he would be having a Quadruple by-pass and he would like to see me but he was about an hour away. I told my father I would be going and he blew up, he said I was betraying him and after all he did for me, I was going to go back to them? Well this aggravated me and it turned in to a huge fight. I told him how much I hated him and how much I resented him for not bveing a part of my life and how I didn't think it was fair that he try and be a disciplinarian now after 18 years! Basically he told me that if I went my stuff would be on the front lawn for me to pick up when I was back and he wasn't lying, they were. I never spoke to him again.
I went to see my Grandfather and I had a melt down, he looked so weak and vulnurable but he was always so tough and strong. I spent a few days there with my mom and Grandma and we all kind of mended our relationships and my mom told me she would get me an apartment/room in town if I wanted to stay and my Grandmother offered to buy me all the necessities, so I agreed. We stayed in town to apartment hunt and Sam lived in town so he knew I was there and called and asked to see me. I went to his house and ofcourse, liek old times, we had sex. He made me promises that he would change and things would be better, probably just so I would sleep with him because the next day he told me he had made a mistake and thought we should not talk anymore. I was so heartbroken, and I felt so used.
After a few days, and success in finding a room with a bunch of other girls, my mother and Grandmother left town and I was left to fend for myself for the first time. I got a job as a receptionist and started paying bills and being a 'grown-up'. I had met a guy when I lived with my father and I decided to give him a call, and we hit it off right off the bat. He was studying to be an English Professor at the local University so we got to spend a lot of time together. Let's say his name is Nate. We were more like best friends, we only had sex a few times but it wasn't a strong sexual attraction - we literally were more like friends. The relationship fizzled but we remained friends and to this day we still are friends, we have tried a few times to be more than friends but it never worked out, but you will read more about that later on.
Living on my own in a town with no friends and no family was taking its toll on me so I started going online more and meeting more people.
One day I got an email from a guy that I had met through an online dating site and he sent me a picture of himself and I thought he was so hot - totally my type, dark hair, dark eyes, olive complexion. So we emailed back and forth quite a bit and decided to meet. He lived close to my mom so I went to visit her and we were going to meet at her house. He called my cell phone and told me he was outside waiting for me, I went outside and he looked even hotter in person! Amazing body, dark hair with blonde streaks, big brown eyes, nice tan and a million-dollar smile as he often called it. We instatntly felt an attraction, both physically and emotionally. After my mom saw that he wasn't some internet predator she left to visit my Grandparents out of town. This guy, lets say his name was Nick, and I went to dinner and talked for hours! Then he took me to the local lake and we sat on the rocks by the water and talked for longer! It seemed like an eternity but we had so much in common and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. We kissed on the rocks but that was as far as it went and then he offered to drive me home and when we got to my moms house I asked him in, well he ended up staying the entire weekend. We didn't have sex, he actually didn't even try to at all which made me fall for him even more. We spent the weekend shopping, going to restaurants, getting to know eachother and falling very hard, very fast. At the time it felt like for the first time in my life someone made me feel beautiful, smart, funny and loved. I say loved even though we just met but even though it sounds crazy, I thought I loved him at that point. Well that weekend began a very dark chapter in my life that I will never forget.
I started to work at a local club and I loved it, the scene was fun, lots of guys around! This was eye-candy for an 18 year old. I started meeting guys but stayed very focused on other things so didn't really date anyone. I met a few guys that I was interested in but they were either much older or younger, I wasn't in to younger guys, which 18 year old girl is?? The attention I got at the club really was addicting, I felt like a starlett walking through the club each night, like I was the centre of attention (not to toot my own horn but I have always been somewhat attractive so I started to feel more confidence). After my shift I would go across the street to another club and dance the night away, I made friends with the DJ there and I would dance in a 'cage' type thing - I guess you could call it go-go dancing, but all clothes remained on!
My fathers step-son offered to take me on the town for the night and show me around some new places and I agreed. He was about 3 years older than I was so I agreed. We went to a movie, and a few bars in town. Then we went back to his house to watch another movie and we were sitting on his bed watching the movie when he came behind me on the couch and got super-cozy. I didn't really know what to do at that point so I kind of just went with him and we ended up having sex that night, I totally didn't want to and don't get me wrong, he didnt force me but I felt like I couldn't or didnt say no. The next day I felt really weird, I mean he wasn't blood related but he was my fathers step-son. I told his sister what had happened and she told me that she knew he liked me but didn't think he would make a pass at me so soon. I didn't really talk to him much after that because I kind of felt pressured in to it at the time even though it ultimately was my decision to go ahead.
Things at home started to get a bit awry. I started noticing things about my father that I did not like. He was constantly viewing porn on the communal computer in the living room and if I came in the room he continued to watch it?!? Weird right? He then started taking my paychecks and giving me a portion of it and said that I needed to pay room and board?? Ok he never bought me a thing in my life, never paid child support and you'd think he would want to make up for lost time, right? Nope, not in his eyes. So I started hiding my tips so that I would have some 'walking money'.
My mother called one day to tell me that my Grandfather had had a heart attack and he would be having a Quadruple by-pass and he would like to see me but he was about an hour away. I told my father I would be going and he blew up, he said I was betraying him and after all he did for me, I was going to go back to them? Well this aggravated me and it turned in to a huge fight. I told him how much I hated him and how much I resented him for not bveing a part of my life and how I didn't think it was fair that he try and be a disciplinarian now after 18 years! Basically he told me that if I went my stuff would be on the front lawn for me to pick up when I was back and he wasn't lying, they were. I never spoke to him again.
I went to see my Grandfather and I had a melt down, he looked so weak and vulnurable but he was always so tough and strong. I spent a few days there with my mom and Grandma and we all kind of mended our relationships and my mom told me she would get me an apartment/room in town if I wanted to stay and my Grandmother offered to buy me all the necessities, so I agreed. We stayed in town to apartment hunt and Sam lived in town so he knew I was there and called and asked to see me. I went to his house and ofcourse, liek old times, we had sex. He made me promises that he would change and things would be better, probably just so I would sleep with him because the next day he told me he had made a mistake and thought we should not talk anymore. I was so heartbroken, and I felt so used.
After a few days, and success in finding a room with a bunch of other girls, my mother and Grandmother left town and I was left to fend for myself for the first time. I got a job as a receptionist and started paying bills and being a 'grown-up'. I had met a guy when I lived with my father and I decided to give him a call, and we hit it off right off the bat. He was studying to be an English Professor at the local University so we got to spend a lot of time together. Let's say his name is Nate. We were more like best friends, we only had sex a few times but it wasn't a strong sexual attraction - we literally were more like friends. The relationship fizzled but we remained friends and to this day we still are friends, we have tried a few times to be more than friends but it never worked out, but you will read more about that later on.
Living on my own in a town with no friends and no family was taking its toll on me so I started going online more and meeting more people.
One day I got an email from a guy that I had met through an online dating site and he sent me a picture of himself and I thought he was so hot - totally my type, dark hair, dark eyes, olive complexion. So we emailed back and forth quite a bit and decided to meet. He lived close to my mom so I went to visit her and we were going to meet at her house. He called my cell phone and told me he was outside waiting for me, I went outside and he looked even hotter in person! Amazing body, dark hair with blonde streaks, big brown eyes, nice tan and a million-dollar smile as he often called it. We instatntly felt an attraction, both physically and emotionally. After my mom saw that he wasn't some internet predator she left to visit my Grandparents out of town. This guy, lets say his name was Nick, and I went to dinner and talked for hours! Then he took me to the local lake and we sat on the rocks by the water and talked for longer! It seemed like an eternity but we had so much in common and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. We kissed on the rocks but that was as far as it went and then he offered to drive me home and when we got to my moms house I asked him in, well he ended up staying the entire weekend. We didn't have sex, he actually didn't even try to at all which made me fall for him even more. We spent the weekend shopping, going to restaurants, getting to know eachother and falling very hard, very fast. At the time it felt like for the first time in my life someone made me feel beautiful, smart, funny and loved. I say loved even though we just met but even though it sounds crazy, I thought I loved him at that point. Well that weekend began a very dark chapter in my life that I will never forget.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Part 7
When we moved back to Canada, I felt lost. I had no friends, I missed Sam and my mother and I's relationship was wearing thin. My mother had a few friends here and we went to visit them for a weekend, they had a son and daughter a bit older than I was. They happened to be going to a Rave one night, I had never heard of these types of parties so I tagged along with fake I.D. that they produced in minutes. On our way there Monica asked me if I had ever smoked weed, I told her I had quite a few times and really enjoyed it (I think I left that part out in previous blog posts!) and she told me that she had a pill that when you took it, it felt like you had smoked up without the hassle of smoking a joint, it was called 'E' - naive as I was I had never heard of it so I agreed to take one. She told me we would take it in the club so we had to hide it until we got in there so I popped open my cigarette pack and started to put it in there and she told me that that wasn't going to work, I needed to put it in my bra?? I was shocked, this was all so weird for me. So we put 2 pills each in our tops - exactly where nipples should be- I just looked like I had giant nipples in my top! Needless to say it worked and we got in to the rave. As soon as we got there, we took half of a pill and started to dance, nothing happened. Monica kept asking me if I felt any different and I told her 'no'. So she told me to take the other half and I did. Well not too long after I did, I felt so inlove with everyone! I ran up to her brother and planted a big wet kiss on him and I am pretty sure I threw myself at him! Then we danced some more and it was time to leave and I felt fine, a bit emotional, but fine none-the-less.
When we got back to their house we smoked a joint as well and I guess that enhanced the 'E' because not too long after I started to 'trip' which is what Monica called it. It was the worse feeling in the world! I honestly - and don't think I am crazy - but I saw myself floating above my body! It was insane and right away I started to freak out, I told her I had to go in the house and Jack, her brother, came with me. Well I couldn't calm down, all I could think was that I was going to die! It was horrible and I made Jack sit up with me and promise me that if I fell asleep he wouldn't leave my side incase I died! Well looking back now its funny, but it wasn't funny then! So I woke up in the morning and I was in his bed, beside him, how embarassing! I mean, he was hot and everything but he was almost 5 years older than me! My mom came to pick me up and saw that I was in Jack's bed and was a bit shocked but he told her I had been sick all night so he was just watching over me. The next day I felt fine, I truly have never felt the same since though - I think its mind over matter but I think it somehow has scarred me. The honesty and guilt in me took over and on the drive home I told my mother what I had done, she was very understanding but never let me see Jack & Monica again and Im pretty sure she never spoke to their parents again either.
The next year was a whirl-wind. I was still dating Sam long-distance but it wasn';t working out because I couldnt stay faithful. Not that I was sleeping around, I just liked flirting with guys and I enjoyed 'dating' new guys. Sam decided to move to Canada to go to College and I was ecstatic! He moved to Canada a few months later and we tried to make it work but the unfaithfullness on my part was too much for him to swallow - so we went our seperate ways but remained in touch - sort of 'friends with benefits'.
My mother and I got in to a huge fight one day, to be honest I don't remember what it was about but she decided it was enough to kick me out of the house, she took all my things, packed them in bags and threw them on the front lawn. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do. My God-father came to my resuce and decided that I would come and live with him for awhile, so he went to my house, picked up my things and I moved in with him and his 2 grown children. His wife, my God-mother passed away a few years prior.
During the next few months my mother wouldn't speak to me, and also had turned my Grandparents against me so they wouldn't talk to me either. I wish I could remember what started this all but my mind is blank.
My biological father contacted my God-father to get in touch with me, which was surprising. I will fill you in on how they knew eachother - my Godfather took my father in when he was a teenager, my Godparents ran a Foster home and my father was very troubled - he was in to drugs, alcohol amongst other things.
When my father called my Godfather he told him that he would be in town in a few weeks for a family reunion and wanted me to join them and meet my uncles, aunts and cousins. I agreed and since my mother wasn't talking to me, I felt that I needed a parent so he would have to do for now.
A few weeks later my father came in to town, we went out for dinner and I met my family on his side. There was my fathers twin sister, his gay brother and his boyfriend and my alcoholic uncle! Interesting bunch to say the least. At the end of the dinner, my father told me he would like me to come and live with him in London< ontario and we could try and have the relationship we never had. I talked to my Godfather about it because I felt like since he had taken me in, I didn't want to abandon him but he was very understanding and told me that he always wanted me to have a relationship with my father so this was a good idea and if it didn't work out, he would be there waiting. So I took his advice and moved to London with my father, his new wife and her 5 year old daughter.
When we got back to their house we smoked a joint as well and I guess that enhanced the 'E' because not too long after I started to 'trip' which is what Monica called it. It was the worse feeling in the world! I honestly - and don't think I am crazy - but I saw myself floating above my body! It was insane and right away I started to freak out, I told her I had to go in the house and Jack, her brother, came with me. Well I couldn't calm down, all I could think was that I was going to die! It was horrible and I made Jack sit up with me and promise me that if I fell asleep he wouldn't leave my side incase I died! Well looking back now its funny, but it wasn't funny then! So I woke up in the morning and I was in his bed, beside him, how embarassing! I mean, he was hot and everything but he was almost 5 years older than me! My mom came to pick me up and saw that I was in Jack's bed and was a bit shocked but he told her I had been sick all night so he was just watching over me. The next day I felt fine, I truly have never felt the same since though - I think its mind over matter but I think it somehow has scarred me. The honesty and guilt in me took over and on the drive home I told my mother what I had done, she was very understanding but never let me see Jack & Monica again and Im pretty sure she never spoke to their parents again either.
The next year was a whirl-wind. I was still dating Sam long-distance but it wasn';t working out because I couldnt stay faithful. Not that I was sleeping around, I just liked flirting with guys and I enjoyed 'dating' new guys. Sam decided to move to Canada to go to College and I was ecstatic! He moved to Canada a few months later and we tried to make it work but the unfaithfullness on my part was too much for him to swallow - so we went our seperate ways but remained in touch - sort of 'friends with benefits'.
My mother and I got in to a huge fight one day, to be honest I don't remember what it was about but she decided it was enough to kick me out of the house, she took all my things, packed them in bags and threw them on the front lawn. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do. My God-father came to my resuce and decided that I would come and live with him for awhile, so he went to my house, picked up my things and I moved in with him and his 2 grown children. His wife, my God-mother passed away a few years prior.
During the next few months my mother wouldn't speak to me, and also had turned my Grandparents against me so they wouldn't talk to me either. I wish I could remember what started this all but my mind is blank.
My biological father contacted my God-father to get in touch with me, which was surprising. I will fill you in on how they knew eachother - my Godfather took my father in when he was a teenager, my Godparents ran a Foster home and my father was very troubled - he was in to drugs, alcohol amongst other things.
When my father called my Godfather he told him that he would be in town in a few weeks for a family reunion and wanted me to join them and meet my uncles, aunts and cousins. I agreed and since my mother wasn't talking to me, I felt that I needed a parent so he would have to do for now.
A few weeks later my father came in to town, we went out for dinner and I met my family on his side. There was my fathers twin sister, his gay brother and his boyfriend and my alcoholic uncle! Interesting bunch to say the least. At the end of the dinner, my father told me he would like me to come and live with him in London< ontario and we could try and have the relationship we never had. I talked to my Godfather about it because I felt like since he had taken me in, I didn't want to abandon him but he was very understanding and told me that he always wanted me to have a relationship with my father so this was a good idea and if it didn't work out, he would be there waiting. So I took his advice and moved to London with my father, his new wife and her 5 year old daughter.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Part 6
A few days after my 16th birthday John called my name from downstairs and I didn't hear him so he came upstairs and asked me why I didnt answer him, I told him I didn't hear him calling me and I was sorry. Well according to him I had an attitude so he dragged me by my hair down the hall and kicked me repeatedly and punched me a few times in the head and slapped me across the face when I stood up. My mother heard the commotion and came upstairs to see what the problem was and she tried to intervene and John pushed her on the bed out of the way. He came back at me and started kicking me and I tried to stand up, he pushed me back down and told me to not get up until he was 'finished'. My mother came back at him from behind and he punched her in the chest (this was the first time he had laid his hands on her, he was clearly intoxicated) and she fell to the ground and started to shake. He ran over to her and grabbed her and started shaking her because he was scared that she was dying from the blow, he started to get very worried and seemed as if he was going to cry and he kept yelling her name. She finally came to and he took her to the hospital, she had a cracked rib. I only had a few welts, bumps and bruises. This was probably one of the most prominant episodes of abuse I can remember, he had escalated - he was now hitting my mother, it did end up being an isolated incident, he never hit her again though as you will read later on he did try.
I decided that I would write my biological father a letter because I was hoping to start a relationship with him so that we wouldn't waste anymore time not connecting - well I wrote it, and it came back and I resent it and yet again, it came back.
Not too long after I was 16 years old, I met a guy who was very smart, very humorous and very cute! I knew however that it would be an issue because he was of mixed race and John was very racist. My prom was coming up and I had no date because at the time I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, so I talked to my mother and convinced her to let me start dating this guy so that he could come to the prom with me and she agreed. So I finally approached him, lets say his name was Timothy, and we started to date. He was so good to me, always holding my hand and telling me how beautiful I was which seemed to really boost my self-esteem. Prom was coming up and I knew I needed to get a dress so my mother and I went to find a dress but I couldnt find one that I liked so I decided to get one made, I found a beautiful picture in a magazine and we found a dress-maker to do the job and it was stunning. About a week before prom I told Timothy that I thought I was ready to no longer just kiss and grope eachother, I wanted to go all the way - but he wasn't interested, he said he wasn't ready- sounds funny coming from a 16year old boy but he was also very religious and wanted to wait so we did. Prom day came and I was so excited, I had never dressed up like this and never really been allowed to go out with friends so this was going to be my time. I got my hair done, my makeup and nails done and I went to get ready because Timothy and his mother were going to be picking me up soon. When I was done getting dressed I walked downstairs to take some pictures and I didn't see John so I asked my mother where he was and she told me that he didn't approve of Timothy so he wouldn't be coming home until later, needless to say as much as I hated him for the way he had treated me, I was disappointed. Timothy arrived and said that I looked gorgeous and he called me his 'little pumpkin', he said the dress reminded him of a pumpkin because it was like a big, poofy wedding dress! I wasn't too impressed to see that he had a Looney Tunes tie on though! We finally got to the Reception for the prom and danced the night away, it was amazing! After the prom we were making out a bit and one thing led to another and at his house we went all the way! It was amazing, I will never forget the feeling of your first time, the anticipation, the emotions, the pain! LOL I guess he didn't want to wait anymore!
After that night I started to have different nightmares now, that everyone knew what I had done and that I was a dirty, slutty person. Also I would have dreams that as I was having sex with Timothy I would see Marks face and I would wake up screaming, it was horrible. So needless to say we did it one more time and that was it, I ended up breaking it off not too long after because I was going through too many of my own issues and needed to be alone. He was heartbroken, but understood and we still talk to this day, as friends.
The year I turned 17 years old was a big year, a lot came out in our family, a lot of skeletons. My mother started taking my Michael to this barber that was pretty far from our house but she said he was really good so she continued to take him there. One day when my mother picked me up from school, this barber guy was in the car and I asked her later on why he was in the car and she said that he lived close to us so she was driving him home - John would have been pissed especially since this barber was black but I never questioned it again.
I met another guy and he was everything you could want in a guy - tall, handsome, smart, funny and he came from a great family and he was caucasion so ofcourse John approved. I really liked this guy, lets say his name was Sam. Sam and I had a blast together and since John approved of him we also went out a lot which is something I hadn`t done a lot, we even went away on weekend getaways. About 6 months in to our relationship it turned sexual and it didn`t seem to effect me the way it did with Timothy, it was ok, I felt like I wasn`t doing anything wrong and I wasn`t getting the nightmares.
My mother seemed to always be on the phone and would hurry off when I came in to the room and never on the phone when John was home and I started to suspect something because we would get calls dduring the day and evening where a guy would ask for a different name all the time and he sounded the same, it was the same guy calling all the time. I started to suspect something but wasn;t sure what.
One day I was on the computer and I saw an open document in Microsoft Word so I clicked on it to see what it was and why it was still open - well what I was about to read would change my outlook on my mother, and relationships forever. I started to read the diary and it was addressed to Paul (the barber) and it talked about how much she loved him and how good he was to her and that she was contemplating leaving John for him. I was shocked, I couldn`t believe what I was reading, there was no way this was happening! I read further and she was appologizing for having an abortion! I was so upset with her, I couldnt understand what was going on - I had looked up to my mother and thought that she really loved John, she must have for staying with him after the years of abuse she had let me endure! As I was finishing reading the letter she came in to the room and yelled at me for reading her letter, I couldn`t even speak to her, I stormed out of the room and called Sam and told him to come and get me right away! She came in to the room and tried to talk to me, said I didn`t understand how she was feeling. I told her how disgusted I was with this and I didn`t want to talk to her for a long time, I told her I would be going to stay with Sam for awhile and she was to make something up when John asked her where I was and I left. I cried for hours after in Sam`s car and he tried to console me but I just couldn`t comprehend why she would do this to John, to Michael and I especially.
About a week later I came home and John was pissed, he came in to my room and started yelling at me, I told him to stop right there and if he wanted to know what the problem was he was to ask my mother and I closed my door! I think he had also suspected something because normally he would have taken this as an opportunity to release some anger and use me as a punching bag but he didn`t, he went downstairs and I could hear them yelling. A part of me wanted to tell him everything and the other part was so scared of what he would do that I decided to keep it to myself - but I wasn`t going to talk to my mother about it. A few weeks went by and it kind of died down but I didn`t speak to my mother at all and she went from being super nice to me so I would keep quiet to back to her same personality. On our way to school one day her and I got in to an argument and she turned the car around and drove home and told me that ``John can deal with you!``. Well when we got home John asked why we were there and my mother told him that I had an attitude problem and that just sent him over the edge, he hit me about 8 times in the stomach and one punch to the face and she looked at me and said `You shouldn`t talk to me the way you do`and walked off, I looked at him and told him in a very monatone voice that if he laid one more finger on me I would kill him, I told him that I had thought about it many times and now that I was turning 18, I wasn`t going to tolerate his shit anymore and I walked to my room and closed the door. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I had seen the abuse on my face, he had hit me in the face many times before but this punch was so intense that I had a busted lip and the blood had pooled under my lip and it was purple. I could hear my mother telling John he didn`t need to do that, he should have dealt with me differently and that was it. How could a mother provoke this abuse, how could she drive me home knowing this was what was going to happen! After I had kept her secret for all this time, I was not going to talk to either of them - I had it with them. My mother came in to my room and told me to take the ice off of my lip as it would harder the blood and to put a warm cloth on it to dissolve the blood and the purpleness would disappear, and she told me to get ready for school. I asked her if she was crazy, I cant go to school looking like this and she said `fine - do what you want`.
Not too long after John found out about Paul and confronted my mother and they got in to a huge argument, he went to hit her and I stood in the middle and he ended up hitting me - I asked him if he forgot what i had said and he didn`t say anything, throughout the argument my mother stormed out of the house and John followed her, about an hour later he came back but without my mother. All I could think was that he did something to her, he hurt her or killed her, I know it sounds like I jumped to conclusions but would you put it past him! He sobbed and told me he didn`t know where she was but I didn`t believe him, I asked him to explain to me what happened when they left and he kept saying he never saw her when he was driving but I didn`t beleive him. For 2 days and nights there was no hear nor tell of my mother and I had accepted that she wasn`t coming back, I knew at this point that something horrible had happened to her but I didn`t know what to do or who to tell, so I told Sam and he told me he would talk to his dad and figure out who we could go to. On the third day my mother finally called and said that she was at Pauls this whole time, I was so pissed! I had worried for 3 days that she was dead and she tells me she was at some guy`s house and she had abandoned her children! She tried to explain that she was scared of John and didn`t want to come home because of this fear. Long story short she came home that day and she told John she was leaving him and we were moving back to Canada. I was so mad at her, I knew I had to leave Sam and I was so heartbroken! Because of her selfish behaviour I had to leave the person I was inlove with - we left about 2 months later and I didn`t speak to John until we left nor did her and I get along very well either. Sam drove me to the airport and we played `Leaving on a jetplane`the way there and I cried the whole drive and we kissed and said we would talk soon, I didn`t even say bye to John - I was partly relieved that I would never have to see him again and to this day I haven`t.
I decided that I would write my biological father a letter because I was hoping to start a relationship with him so that we wouldn't waste anymore time not connecting - well I wrote it, and it came back and I resent it and yet again, it came back.
Not too long after I was 16 years old, I met a guy who was very smart, very humorous and very cute! I knew however that it would be an issue because he was of mixed race and John was very racist. My prom was coming up and I had no date because at the time I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, so I talked to my mother and convinced her to let me start dating this guy so that he could come to the prom with me and she agreed. So I finally approached him, lets say his name was Timothy, and we started to date. He was so good to me, always holding my hand and telling me how beautiful I was which seemed to really boost my self-esteem. Prom was coming up and I knew I needed to get a dress so my mother and I went to find a dress but I couldnt find one that I liked so I decided to get one made, I found a beautiful picture in a magazine and we found a dress-maker to do the job and it was stunning. About a week before prom I told Timothy that I thought I was ready to no longer just kiss and grope eachother, I wanted to go all the way - but he wasn't interested, he said he wasn't ready- sounds funny coming from a 16year old boy but he was also very religious and wanted to wait so we did. Prom day came and I was so excited, I had never dressed up like this and never really been allowed to go out with friends so this was going to be my time. I got my hair done, my makeup and nails done and I went to get ready because Timothy and his mother were going to be picking me up soon. When I was done getting dressed I walked downstairs to take some pictures and I didn't see John so I asked my mother where he was and she told me that he didn't approve of Timothy so he wouldn't be coming home until later, needless to say as much as I hated him for the way he had treated me, I was disappointed. Timothy arrived and said that I looked gorgeous and he called me his 'little pumpkin', he said the dress reminded him of a pumpkin because it was like a big, poofy wedding dress! I wasn't too impressed to see that he had a Looney Tunes tie on though! We finally got to the Reception for the prom and danced the night away, it was amazing! After the prom we were making out a bit and one thing led to another and at his house we went all the way! It was amazing, I will never forget the feeling of your first time, the anticipation, the emotions, the pain! LOL I guess he didn't want to wait anymore!
After that night I started to have different nightmares now, that everyone knew what I had done and that I was a dirty, slutty person. Also I would have dreams that as I was having sex with Timothy I would see Marks face and I would wake up screaming, it was horrible. So needless to say we did it one more time and that was it, I ended up breaking it off not too long after because I was going through too many of my own issues and needed to be alone. He was heartbroken, but understood and we still talk to this day, as friends.
The year I turned 17 years old was a big year, a lot came out in our family, a lot of skeletons. My mother started taking my Michael to this barber that was pretty far from our house but she said he was really good so she continued to take him there. One day when my mother picked me up from school, this barber guy was in the car and I asked her later on why he was in the car and she said that he lived close to us so she was driving him home - John would have been pissed especially since this barber was black but I never questioned it again.
I met another guy and he was everything you could want in a guy - tall, handsome, smart, funny and he came from a great family and he was caucasion so ofcourse John approved. I really liked this guy, lets say his name was Sam. Sam and I had a blast together and since John approved of him we also went out a lot which is something I hadn`t done a lot, we even went away on weekend getaways. About 6 months in to our relationship it turned sexual and it didn`t seem to effect me the way it did with Timothy, it was ok, I felt like I wasn`t doing anything wrong and I wasn`t getting the nightmares.
My mother seemed to always be on the phone and would hurry off when I came in to the room and never on the phone when John was home and I started to suspect something because we would get calls dduring the day and evening where a guy would ask for a different name all the time and he sounded the same, it was the same guy calling all the time. I started to suspect something but wasn;t sure what.
One day I was on the computer and I saw an open document in Microsoft Word so I clicked on it to see what it was and why it was still open - well what I was about to read would change my outlook on my mother, and relationships forever. I started to read the diary and it was addressed to Paul (the barber) and it talked about how much she loved him and how good he was to her and that she was contemplating leaving John for him. I was shocked, I couldn`t believe what I was reading, there was no way this was happening! I read further and she was appologizing for having an abortion! I was so upset with her, I couldnt understand what was going on - I had looked up to my mother and thought that she really loved John, she must have for staying with him after the years of abuse she had let me endure! As I was finishing reading the letter she came in to the room and yelled at me for reading her letter, I couldn`t even speak to her, I stormed out of the room and called Sam and told him to come and get me right away! She came in to the room and tried to talk to me, said I didn`t understand how she was feeling. I told her how disgusted I was with this and I didn`t want to talk to her for a long time, I told her I would be going to stay with Sam for awhile and she was to make something up when John asked her where I was and I left. I cried for hours after in Sam`s car and he tried to console me but I just couldn`t comprehend why she would do this to John, to Michael and I especially.
About a week later I came home and John was pissed, he came in to my room and started yelling at me, I told him to stop right there and if he wanted to know what the problem was he was to ask my mother and I closed my door! I think he had also suspected something because normally he would have taken this as an opportunity to release some anger and use me as a punching bag but he didn`t, he went downstairs and I could hear them yelling. A part of me wanted to tell him everything and the other part was so scared of what he would do that I decided to keep it to myself - but I wasn`t going to talk to my mother about it. A few weeks went by and it kind of died down but I didn`t speak to my mother at all and she went from being super nice to me so I would keep quiet to back to her same personality. On our way to school one day her and I got in to an argument and she turned the car around and drove home and told me that ``John can deal with you!``. Well when we got home John asked why we were there and my mother told him that I had an attitude problem and that just sent him over the edge, he hit me about 8 times in the stomach and one punch to the face and she looked at me and said `You shouldn`t talk to me the way you do`and walked off, I looked at him and told him in a very monatone voice that if he laid one more finger on me I would kill him, I told him that I had thought about it many times and now that I was turning 18, I wasn`t going to tolerate his shit anymore and I walked to my room and closed the door. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I had seen the abuse on my face, he had hit me in the face many times before but this punch was so intense that I had a busted lip and the blood had pooled under my lip and it was purple. I could hear my mother telling John he didn`t need to do that, he should have dealt with me differently and that was it. How could a mother provoke this abuse, how could she drive me home knowing this was what was going to happen! After I had kept her secret for all this time, I was not going to talk to either of them - I had it with them. My mother came in to my room and told me to take the ice off of my lip as it would harder the blood and to put a warm cloth on it to dissolve the blood and the purpleness would disappear, and she told me to get ready for school. I asked her if she was crazy, I cant go to school looking like this and she said `fine - do what you want`.
Not too long after John found out about Paul and confronted my mother and they got in to a huge argument, he went to hit her and I stood in the middle and he ended up hitting me - I asked him if he forgot what i had said and he didn`t say anything, throughout the argument my mother stormed out of the house and John followed her, about an hour later he came back but without my mother. All I could think was that he did something to her, he hurt her or killed her, I know it sounds like I jumped to conclusions but would you put it past him! He sobbed and told me he didn`t know where she was but I didn`t believe him, I asked him to explain to me what happened when they left and he kept saying he never saw her when he was driving but I didn`t beleive him. For 2 days and nights there was no hear nor tell of my mother and I had accepted that she wasn`t coming back, I knew at this point that something horrible had happened to her but I didn`t know what to do or who to tell, so I told Sam and he told me he would talk to his dad and figure out who we could go to. On the third day my mother finally called and said that she was at Pauls this whole time, I was so pissed! I had worried for 3 days that she was dead and she tells me she was at some guy`s house and she had abandoned her children! She tried to explain that she was scared of John and didn`t want to come home because of this fear. Long story short she came home that day and she told John she was leaving him and we were moving back to Canada. I was so mad at her, I knew I had to leave Sam and I was so heartbroken! Because of her selfish behaviour I had to leave the person I was inlove with - we left about 2 months later and I didn`t speak to John until we left nor did her and I get along very well either. Sam drove me to the airport and we played `Leaving on a jetplane`the way there and I cried the whole drive and we kissed and said we would talk soon, I didn`t even say bye to John - I was partly relieved that I would never have to see him again and to this day I haven`t.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Part 5
I decided to write my mother a letter one day saying everything that was on my mind, well most of it. I told her how hurtful it was that John was so abusive and that she didn't seem to do anything about it, how betrayed I felt. I also told her that I wanted to see my biological father because it felt like I had a void in my life without knowing him. She wasn't very responsive about the letter but told me that she would speak to John and hopefully the abuse would stop - this didn't seem to be the effort I was looking for from her. She also said that I was old enough to make my own decisions and if I wanted to meet my father I could. I decided that when I went back to Canada for the summer I would contact my biological father and hopefully get to meet with him, although he had abandoned me it seemed like I still wanted him in my life, I needed a father figure and John just wasn't cutting it.
I finally found the courage to call my biological father and to my surprise he had divorced his wife and was now married to someone else, that also had a child. His ex-wife told me that it didn';t work out between them because he just wasn't 'father material', really? How surprising? Didn't she think that when he abandoned his own flesh and blood? I guess she had to learn the hard way. I tried to call him on the number she gave me but I had no luck for 2 days. I finally tried on the 3rd day and got through, I was speechless, the silence was deafening. After I mustered up the courage to say hello, we decided to meet for dinner for the first time in 11 years. When we got to the restaurant I saw him and all I could think was 'He really looks like Al from Home Improvement' lol. I was so excited to think that I would finally have the father I longed for. I walked over to him and part of me wanted to hug him but I didn't, I just shook his hand. After dinner we went to his apartment to look at pictures of him and his new family, then he pulled out a picture of me when I was 2 years old, the only picture he had. Even though he was my father he seemed like a stranger, but I still had feelings of loving him, its amazing that after all the years of feeling abandoned, I still loved him. He drove me home and when we said goodbye I leaned over and hugged him and then I got out of the car. I didn't speak to him for another 2 years, I thought we had bonded but it was obviously one-sided.
Around the age of 16 years old, the nightmares started - I had nightmares before but they seemed worse now. I would have them about what Mark had done to me, I had them of times when I would get beaten from John and I would have ones where I would tell John that I loved him and he was the best father and then he would look at me and say "I don't love you, you're not my daughter" - this one in particular was the worst emotionally, I would wake up sobbing, I felt so hurt.
I recently found a diary that I wrote when I was about 15 -16 years old, I am going to share a part with you because it really brought back memories of how low my self-esteem was as a teenager because of the way John had treated me and from the memories that haunted me from Mark.
March 3, 1997: (I took this from a Seventeen magazine and had to fill in the blanks)
I have 'nice' hair.
In a bathing suit I look 'fat.
Before I fix my hair in the morning, I look 'awful'.
Whenever I try on clothes I feel 'fat'.
In pictures I usually look 'ugly'.
Whenever I am around boys I feel 'ugly'.
Most of my childhood memories are 'horrible'.
My parents are 'mean'.
When I am with my family I feel 'scared'.
Describe yourself in one word - ugly.
It really brings such strong emotions when I read this because I was always a very pretty girl and probably weighed 95lbs at 16 years old.
I finally found the courage to call my biological father and to my surprise he had divorced his wife and was now married to someone else, that also had a child. His ex-wife told me that it didn';t work out between them because he just wasn't 'father material', really? How surprising? Didn't she think that when he abandoned his own flesh and blood? I guess she had to learn the hard way. I tried to call him on the number she gave me but I had no luck for 2 days. I finally tried on the 3rd day and got through, I was speechless, the silence was deafening. After I mustered up the courage to say hello, we decided to meet for dinner for the first time in 11 years. When we got to the restaurant I saw him and all I could think was 'He really looks like Al from Home Improvement' lol. I was so excited to think that I would finally have the father I longed for. I walked over to him and part of me wanted to hug him but I didn't, I just shook his hand. After dinner we went to his apartment to look at pictures of him and his new family, then he pulled out a picture of me when I was 2 years old, the only picture he had. Even though he was my father he seemed like a stranger, but I still had feelings of loving him, its amazing that after all the years of feeling abandoned, I still loved him. He drove me home and when we said goodbye I leaned over and hugged him and then I got out of the car. I didn't speak to him for another 2 years, I thought we had bonded but it was obviously one-sided.
Around the age of 16 years old, the nightmares started - I had nightmares before but they seemed worse now. I would have them about what Mark had done to me, I had them of times when I would get beaten from John and I would have ones where I would tell John that I loved him and he was the best father and then he would look at me and say "I don't love you, you're not my daughter" - this one in particular was the worst emotionally, I would wake up sobbing, I felt so hurt.
I recently found a diary that I wrote when I was about 15 -16 years old, I am going to share a part with you because it really brought back memories of how low my self-esteem was as a teenager because of the way John had treated me and from the memories that haunted me from Mark.
March 3, 1997: (I took this from a Seventeen magazine and had to fill in the blanks)
I have 'nice' hair.
In a bathing suit I look 'fat.
Before I fix my hair in the morning, I look 'awful'.
Whenever I try on clothes I feel 'fat'.
In pictures I usually look 'ugly'.
Whenever I am around boys I feel 'ugly'.
Most of my childhood memories are 'horrible'.
My parents are 'mean'.
When I am with my family I feel 'scared'.
Describe yourself in one word - ugly.
It really brings such strong emotions when I read this because I was always a very pretty girl and probably weighed 95lbs at 16 years old.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Part 4
My adolescent years from about 9-13 were pretty much the same. I started to be really jealous of Michael, he seemed to get all the attention - I guess this is pretty normal for kids, it just seemed unfair that it was just mommy & I and then one day there was John and now theres Michael. I think I was also jealous at the fact that Michael never got abused my John, not that I wanted him to, please don't get me wrong. I just didn't understand why it was always me getting beaten. Why was I so bad that I deserved to endure this sort of abuse? What made John hate me so much that he needed to resort to hitting me? Why didn't my mom stop him? I felt so alone sometimes, like I would always been abused and I just remember wanting to get older so I could not have to live with John and I could not be abused anymore. I don't remember enjoying my childhood, there were good times, but to be totally honest I don't remember ever being happy when John was around.
I guess around age 13-14 I started to notice boys more, I started to have crushes, mainly the seniors in High School - I was still a Junior but never liked the boys my age. I still remember my first crush, it was with a 12th grader, I was only in Grade 8! LOL kind of scary to think, I hope my daughter will never do that! lol. I always saw this guy and thought how cute he was, he was on the basketball team and I would always watch him play. I think one day he made eye contact and smiled at me and of course I felt all giddy inside and thought maybe, just maybe that he liked me! Who was I kidding?? He was so much older than me! Well after his game one day I saw him in the hallway and he pulled me in to an empty classroom and asked me if I liked him - innocent as I was I said 'Yes, but forget about it, I know you don't like me." and he said "well how do you know that?" and I replied "I don't know, I just do!". Then he backed me up against the wall (I still remember this clear as day lol) and leaned his head to touch mine and said that he needed to go to class! Then he held my hand and said that we would talk tomorrow! Oh my God! He touched my hand, he likes me I thought! I was ecstatic! I was totally goo-goo-ga-ga all night! I think I wrote a 10-page entry in my diary that night! The next day he saw me in the hallway again and he leaned in and Kissed me on the lips! WOW! It was amazing, ok I understand I was only 13 but seriously, it was amazing! But sad to say he never talked to me again, I think he did it as a tease or maybe someone dared him to do it, but he didn`t even make eye contact ever again! I was heart-broken.
The report cards didn`t seem to get better either, my grades were still slacking but I just didn`t like school, I was always so depressed - I seemed to hate life. I hated John and I was so scared of him. I think about it now how scared of him I was and I don`t understand how a grown man can take out so much anger and abuse a child. I remember him beating me so bad one day because I didn`t get him a drink fast enough. The belt was his weapon of choice and I will NEVER forget the feeling of it hitting my skin - the burning sensation. I would always lie in my bed and cry after and rub my hands across the welts to feel how they stuck out of my skin. I always just hoped that no one would see them, I hid them so well and never told anyone what had happened.
John had a birthday party at his Uncles house one night - I was 15 I beleive, and he got a little tipsy so we decided to stay there the night. My mom, John and Michael slept in a room and I slept in another room with John`s Aunt. In the morning I got up and went in to the living room to watch some tv before everyone woke up. John`s uncle came in to the room and asked why I was awake so early and I told him I don`t like sleeping away from home, I always wake up early when I do. I was sitting in an arm chair and he came over to the chair and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I was a little shocked as to why he did this. Then when he saw that I didn`t say anything or ask him why he did that, he leaned in again and kissed me on the lips and I pulled away! What the hell just happened I was thinking but I couldnt speak! I was trembling and verbally paralyzed! I didnt know what to do. I was too embarassed that I didn`t react to him that I didn`t tell anyone what happened. Later that day he tried to give me $20 and told me that what happened would be ``our little secret``. What a creep! Why did this keep happening to me! I instantly felt like this was Deja Vu and that some how I was doing something to provoke this type of behaviour from the opposite sex. I felt dirty and felt like it was my fault.
I started to hit puberty around this time, I started to get breasts and more of a `body` I guess and I was so self concious, I hated it because I felt like now that I had these breasts, I would be making men look at me and therefore these sexual advances would continue to happen so I started to wear sports bras and I would put a tensor band around my breasts to flatten them, I also made my mother give me a note so that I didnt have to do Phys Ed at school, I was too paranoid to run around and have my breasts move in my shirt.
The year bewteen 15-16 years old was very hard for me, I was always depressed and I didn`t like the changes that were occuring with my body. This year John also started to become more abusive, his beatings with a belt progressed to blows to my face, blows to my stomach and kicking. He also decided that he would ``visit`me every morning before my mother woke up in my bed. He would come in and wake me up and come under the covers and talk to me. He would never make sexual advances but he would make comments like ``Your breasts are getting bigger huh``, or ``Your body is maturing very quickly these days``. He would also slap me on the ass sometimes when my mother wasn`t around and once he even pinched my breast. I didn`t understand why he was doing this. He was very sneaky about it, he didnt try anything sexually but still did a few things here and there I guess to get his kicks! I was so uncomfortable when he would come in my bed in the morning, every morning I dreaded it, I thought every day that that would be the morning that he would take his advances further, why not, its happened before with other males in my life. Why did this happen to me more than once! What am I doing to make them think its ok! Luckily he never took it past that point but what he did still was unnacceptable and I will never forget the disgust and hurt I felt when he did this each day, each time, from someone who wanted me to call them ``daddy``, he was sick!
I guess around age 13-14 I started to notice boys more, I started to have crushes, mainly the seniors in High School - I was still a Junior but never liked the boys my age. I still remember my first crush, it was with a 12th grader, I was only in Grade 8! LOL kind of scary to think, I hope my daughter will never do that! lol. I always saw this guy and thought how cute he was, he was on the basketball team and I would always watch him play. I think one day he made eye contact and smiled at me and of course I felt all giddy inside and thought maybe, just maybe that he liked me! Who was I kidding?? He was so much older than me! Well after his game one day I saw him in the hallway and he pulled me in to an empty classroom and asked me if I liked him - innocent as I was I said 'Yes, but forget about it, I know you don't like me." and he said "well how do you know that?" and I replied "I don't know, I just do!". Then he backed me up against the wall (I still remember this clear as day lol) and leaned his head to touch mine and said that he needed to go to class! Then he held my hand and said that we would talk tomorrow! Oh my God! He touched my hand, he likes me I thought! I was ecstatic! I was totally goo-goo-ga-ga all night! I think I wrote a 10-page entry in my diary that night! The next day he saw me in the hallway again and he leaned in and Kissed me on the lips! WOW! It was amazing, ok I understand I was only 13 but seriously, it was amazing! But sad to say he never talked to me again, I think he did it as a tease or maybe someone dared him to do it, but he didn`t even make eye contact ever again! I was heart-broken.
The report cards didn`t seem to get better either, my grades were still slacking but I just didn`t like school, I was always so depressed - I seemed to hate life. I hated John and I was so scared of him. I think about it now how scared of him I was and I don`t understand how a grown man can take out so much anger and abuse a child. I remember him beating me so bad one day because I didn`t get him a drink fast enough. The belt was his weapon of choice and I will NEVER forget the feeling of it hitting my skin - the burning sensation. I would always lie in my bed and cry after and rub my hands across the welts to feel how they stuck out of my skin. I always just hoped that no one would see them, I hid them so well and never told anyone what had happened.
John had a birthday party at his Uncles house one night - I was 15 I beleive, and he got a little tipsy so we decided to stay there the night. My mom, John and Michael slept in a room and I slept in another room with John`s Aunt. In the morning I got up and went in to the living room to watch some tv before everyone woke up. John`s uncle came in to the room and asked why I was awake so early and I told him I don`t like sleeping away from home, I always wake up early when I do. I was sitting in an arm chair and he came over to the chair and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I was a little shocked as to why he did this. Then when he saw that I didn`t say anything or ask him why he did that, he leaned in again and kissed me on the lips and I pulled away! What the hell just happened I was thinking but I couldnt speak! I was trembling and verbally paralyzed! I didnt know what to do. I was too embarassed that I didn`t react to him that I didn`t tell anyone what happened. Later that day he tried to give me $20 and told me that what happened would be ``our little secret``. What a creep! Why did this keep happening to me! I instantly felt like this was Deja Vu and that some how I was doing something to provoke this type of behaviour from the opposite sex. I felt dirty and felt like it was my fault.
I started to hit puberty around this time, I started to get breasts and more of a `body` I guess and I was so self concious, I hated it because I felt like now that I had these breasts, I would be making men look at me and therefore these sexual advances would continue to happen so I started to wear sports bras and I would put a tensor band around my breasts to flatten them, I also made my mother give me a note so that I didnt have to do Phys Ed at school, I was too paranoid to run around and have my breasts move in my shirt.
The year bewteen 15-16 years old was very hard for me, I was always depressed and I didn`t like the changes that were occuring with my body. This year John also started to become more abusive, his beatings with a belt progressed to blows to my face, blows to my stomach and kicking. He also decided that he would ``visit`me every morning before my mother woke up in my bed. He would come in and wake me up and come under the covers and talk to me. He would never make sexual advances but he would make comments like ``Your breasts are getting bigger huh``, or ``Your body is maturing very quickly these days``. He would also slap me on the ass sometimes when my mother wasn`t around and once he even pinched my breast. I didn`t understand why he was doing this. He was very sneaky about it, he didnt try anything sexually but still did a few things here and there I guess to get his kicks! I was so uncomfortable when he would come in my bed in the morning, every morning I dreaded it, I thought every day that that would be the morning that he would take his advances further, why not, its happened before with other males in my life. Why did this happen to me more than once! What am I doing to make them think its ok! Luckily he never took it past that point but what he did still was unnacceptable and I will never forget the disgust and hurt I felt when he did this each day, each time, from someone who wanted me to call them ``daddy``, he was sick!
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